Ben Pitcher - Class 4: Practical Parenting in the Last Days

Automatically transcribed. Accuracy is good but not perfect, and words are sometimes wrong. Trust the audio over the text.

1. 0:00

   So I do feel like we're on a journey of wonderful and fun possibilities with our families. And so a big part of what I'm encouraging us to all do together this week is to get motivated and recognise the godly potential in our families. And maybe give you some ideas how you can kickstart some changes if they're needed.

2. 0:23

   And so yesterday we looked at training along the way and encouraging the opposite virtue. So if your child has trouble with selfishness, to look out and praise thoughtfulness. And we're going to finish the process tomorrow of parenting. But today I want to change a little bit in this session. And just to highlight how important the work that we're doing is and how serious it is.

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   So I'd like you to think of your family as a project together. As husband and wife. Or perhaps it's your project. What is your shared vision for your family? And while we're away from family life, perhaps it's a good time to think about what influences are on your family. Are they good influences or bad influences?

4. 1:23

   So there's sort of a sheet there in the beginning of today's session that you can think about that. And if there are some bad influences that you think might be on your family, how are you going to counteract or replace them? And there's some examples of influences that might be on our family.

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   But I want to spend time this morning thinking about the two families that were mentioned in our reading. As it was in the days of Noah and Lot. Two families at the end times of their era.

6. 2:11

   And it's like we're living in a homologation of their age, aren't we? An era when the sin of Lot is combined on a flag with the sign of Noah. So every time you think of a sea of rainbow flag, you can think that we are like, what a sign that God gave us.

7. 2:33

   That we would be in the time of Noah and Lot. And you can actually explain it to your children. You know where that flag means that we're at the time of Noah and Lot, which means Jesus is nearly here. However, this morning, I want you to think about the lessons we can learn from their families.

8. 2:51

   Because as a husband and wife, we've got generally some ideas about each other's point of view as husband and wife. But do we have shared goals for our family? Do you have a plan? Just a sketch map is all we're talking about because the details are unwritten. But an idea of what your family will be.

9. 3:12

   And, you know, the challenge of those shared goals and visions and what we want our family to be, you know, when we reflect on our families and how we parent them, it strikes at challenging questions like, is the discipline of our children motivated by love or largely by frustration? Or more challengingly, is God at the centre of our parenting?

10. 3:45

    So what's our goals to flip those things around? Is self-centredness and self-satisfaction, either ourselves or our children, at the centre of everything we do at the moment? And the challenge is that the world out there now is not the same world that your parents grew up in and guided you and I through.

11. 4:08

    And while we've now probably all realised that society is no longer on our side, you know, I'm confident that it's really, we actually have the ability to maintain our family goals as long as we're not focused on it being just what we do as a parent, but it's actually knowing why we're doing what we're doing that's really important and that will see us through.

12. 4:42

    And the reason, as we've been talking all week, behind our parenting is because of God's purpose, to fill the earth with his glory. And we're given the opportunity of shining a bit of that light that will soon fill the earth, but we get to kindle that light in our families. So the purpose of us as parents is to teach our children about God, his character, his holiness, and what he wants us to be.

13. 5:09

    And how do we do that? By being consistent, just and fair parents, because we show God to our children. Now this is really critical in the last days, because there's such pervasive moral issues that your children will encounter potentially on a daily basis, that if you really haven't prepared them adequately, they are definitely going to struggle.

14. 5:35

    So, you know, I'll give it, sort of, to put it in black and white, in connection with the last days, we often talk about the same kinds of things, media, music, the internet, the ease of access to ungodliness and immoral filth. But really, in essence, what does all of those things come down to?

15. 6:01

    It's a moral problem that has to do with the heart. It's not a legal issue about external behaviour. What I mean is it's about conscience, making good choices, not being selfish and self-centred, but resisting the lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, the pride of life. You know, for a two-year-old, it's the temptation of a lolly at the checkout queue.

16. 6:27

    And if you can teach them restraint and self-control and denial of self, that's the same skill set that's needed when a pop-up appears on the computer screen of a 14-year-old boy and they need restraint not to click it. And it's the same restraint that we ourselves need with some news headlines on our computer or in certain posts on social media.

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    You know, some salacious headlines are just not worth clicking on and reading. And just like we have an abundance of junk food paraded before us in attractive and convenient packaging, yet we strive to teach our children healthy eating habits, so too we need to teach our children healthy moral habits for their spiritual health.

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    And we've seen that the challenging of parenting is not just about teaching our children, but it's a learning and development process for our characters as well. And that's probably the hardest thing about parenting. We're learning to be like God as our father at the same time we're teaching our children. And, you know, think about learning to be like God.

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    Remember the last day, probably don't have to think back too far, remember the last day when you'd run out of patience with your kids? Well, that's a day you learnt to be like God because after he's run out of patience, what comes next in God's character? Firstly, he's compassionate, then he's gracious, and then after he's run out of that, then he's slow to anger.

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    And what happens when he's run out of patience and his patience is exhausted? After that is abundant loving kindness. And we see the long-suffering qualities of God in the times of Noah and Lot where the patience of God waited. So we need to learn these godly qualities. And that's why God gave us these children.

21. 8:32

    So never forget that. We parent for God, not for our whims and convenience. And, you know, there's seven positive virtues there and one negative one in the next verse. And so it's unrealistic for me to say never be angry and frustrated with our children. But, you know, yesterday I said mentally think in your mind how you're generally characterised by your behaviour to our children.

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    Our frustration, we want to aim at having it a proportion of seven to one if we can keep it in that balance. Then we're doing a very good job of being God to our children. So I want you to think about living in our last days in the terms of the last days of Noah and Lot.

23. 9:18

    Both of them save nothing other than their family. However, we want to be way more like Noah than Lot when it comes to the crunch even though they're both commended as righteous men. So, you know, what can we think that we can extrapolate about these two families what they did or didn't get right in their families before it was too late?

24. 9:57

    Any ideas? Just quickly. Have to call out quick. Not got much time. Communication. Communication, yep. So Noah was preaching. He was active. Noah's family worked with him on the arm. Yeah. They had a family project. Excellent. Yep. Family choices. They chose to go where they went, live where they lived. Yeah. And it's not just their family choices of where they lived but also their marriages.

25. 10:23

    I mean, the choices that Noah's children made in marriage were starkly different to Lot's. Yep. That's a good list. Let's... So... I mean, I think I'll pick up on the point that Noah preached. It seems obvious he taught his children the truth. And then, therefore, that's why his children seem to be... from Scripture seem to be married in the truth.

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    And they had a family project where they built the ark. They stayed in the ark. The other one is obedience. Remember, obedience is our family characteristic of God. Like, that's why he chose Abraham because he was obedient. So, Noah and his family and his children showed absolute obedience. Everything God said, they followed.

27. 11:12

    And there is a record of Noah communicating with God and praying to God. So, in the end, the entire family is saved. Whereas Lot, he's a classic drifter. He drifted into Sodom and his family just kept drifting. He vexed his righteous soul daily, we're told. But it's only his soul that got vexed.

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    There's no record of him actually communicating his vexation out loud or explaining the principles by which he was frustrated to his children. So, internally, he was doing... had right thinking... like, knew the right principles. but there's no record of him sharing them. And we know that because his wife's heart was in the city.

29. 11:58

    And his daughters. I mean, there's just a whole question mark over that whole thing. It's just crazy how lost his daughters were in that whole situation. And where's the record of Lot's prayers? Like, we've got record of Noah praying. There's not really any record of Lot praying. And it's almost like a list of all ticks of what to do with Noah and all crosses of what not to do with Lot, isn't it?

30. 12:27

    So, let's start with the obvious. Lot drifting into Sodom. You know, it started when he was in the plain with his tent towards Sodom we see there in Genesis 13. Well, he chose the Jordan Valley and he pitched his tent towards Sodom in verse 12 of Genesis 13. He ended up dwelling in Sodom and then he's in the gate of Sodom.

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    Actually, like as a ruler or administrator even though he hated what was going on there. And, you know, there's many ways that we can be the same when we just drift into unhelpful habits in our life. So, first thing I'm going to deal with is the media because it's such a big part of our age.

32. 13:08

    And first thing is screen time. And, you know, I work in IT but I read the research and the facts are in. They've been in for years. There's numerous studies that have reached the same conclusion and that is no screen time for under twos. And between three and five less than an hour a day is all that's recommended.

33. 13:33

    And this is recommended not for any moral reason but just for the neurological development of our children. So, when I'm talking screens I'm talking access to all screens not just the TV. we can sometimes think we're doing a good job of not giving the kids TV and they've got unlimited access to other types of mobile devices.

34. 13:55

    So, this is all about this is research of cognitive development self-control and concentration in our children. And so if we allow them unlimited access to screens we're doing them a real disservice in their cognitive development in those areas. in fact free play is the most helpful thing for the cognitive development of our children.

35. 14:21

    And you know the shocking finding of this kind of research was that even a screen in the background where it's not even a child's program showing something of adult interest while the child is doing their thing and will only glance at the screen less than 5% of the time the effect of having a screen in the room on is dramatic.

36. 14:43

    In that environment a child will only free play and amuse themselves for half the amount of time of a child in a room with no screen on. So I'm not saying no screens for you I'm saying if you're not actively looking at something turn it off. Don't leave the screens running in the house with a young child because the way that their brain is developing they've got more than enough stimulation from everything that's going on around them and screens are really unhelpful.

37. 15:15

    So you know as parents we've got our own habits and relaxation and you know we may really not want to know this but if we want to be good parents and parent for the glory of God don't leave screens on when no one's watching. If it's on for a program that's fine but after that program's finished turn it off.

38. 15:35

    And you know whatever the age of our children and ourselves included we need to teach self-control when it comes to media consumption and screen time. And thinking of a lot drifting into bad habits I was mindful of you know the thing in our area was the baby sitting in front of the DVD now it's in front of the iPad and I'll pick it because it's such an easy trap to fall into.

39. 15:58

    You know you get some peace and quiet to get things done the first time you do it and you think well that's great work such a treat that next you do it again and then suddenly it becomes a habit. So I'm not saying that you know there's times when we just need to chill out and things are crazy here and there and we might resort to using it just don't allow it to become a habit is all I'm asking because doing it repeatedly is a disservice to our children's development.

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    They actually need to learn to occupy themselves quietly and that's a skill that comes with practice and if you don't practice it at home and some children really need the practice where are they going to get the opportunity to develop that skill set if you just put on some media distraction every time you need peace and quiet you're actually robbing them of the opportunity to learn that skill set.

41. 16:49

    So here's a suggestion I think I mentioned it the other day Lisa used to have quiet time every afternoon so she could do her chores. The background quiet music would go on that was a signal that this was quiet time and so it's an hour long DVD when that's finished CD when that music's finished that's the end of it and for the little ones that could be nap time for the older ones they'd have to sit quietly on the couch and look at books and amuse themselves until quiet time was over and that way they learn the skill set of occupying themselves quietly and Lisa did this with other people's children she did family daycare for many years more than a decade so we know it's not just something weird that we can get our own children to do but other people's children we can be trained to do this as well but there's another problem with media that's from my end of parenting is much more obvious and that's the fact that at a young age there's plenty of choice that's age appropriate I mean I know play school has sort of gone off the radar in terms of their social agenda but you know there's Thomas Spot Blues Clues Veggie Tales Dora the Explorer so there's all this really great material for a young child but after that age it becomes really really difficult to find age appropriate material but now you've created an appetite and an expectation and what are you going to fill that appetite with so I'm not saying no media I'm just saying be careful be mindful of your

42. 18:33

    choices and have some forethought to where those things could lead and pay attention to the influences in your home because otherwise you might just end up drifting into a space you weren't prepared for after things have moved on to a point you weren't ready for just like we saw with lot and with computers my suggestion is make sure they're in a common area familiarise yourself with the parental controls and things you can do on your computer hardware just my point is don't allow unlimited access and so I'm in IT the kids used to laugh we had more computers in the house than people but we implemented because I ran mail servers and all that so it's not they all had one computer each they shared one but we implemented computer time for our children so their screen time was a reward system so the way it worked is if they did all their daily chores every single day at the end of the week that equated to a certain number of points and you know that became a really good consequence because if they misbehaved one of just a general consequence could be that they lost some points off their screen time and at the end of the week those points equated to minutes of computer time and so that's when they were free to convert their points to minutes and use that on a screen and how did they regulate that by using the oven timer and they would wake up in the morning and come into our bedroom can we have computer time yet and we'd hear the beep beep beep and they'd

43. 20:09

    police each other but you know these days there's actually apps that you can get on your phone where you can reward children with screen time and they've got to put their pin number in and there's their screen time that they can use and then the app closes the device down and with computers maybe take note of this website safesearchkids.com yeah how do you work that in with homework yeah so yeah so this was separate to homework so if it was homework and they needed to type something up the computer was there and that didn't one of my kids quite likes mathletics yeah but it's also an education tool would you kind of yeah so I would I mean you've got a choice their computer time was a lot of educational games because that's what I thought was important but you can also make it like their spelling word list at the end of the day like they're supposed to do their spelling words maybe they do get 10 minutes of mathletics but that's really homework so this was just free time leisure time so yeah the computer if it was homework and they needed to type something up that didn't count to computer time that's what the computer was there for in the cupboard so just take a note of this site because and I suggest setting it for your homepage if you've got young kids because I know Google has safe search it doesn't work really that well with images I've found there's a lot that gets through whereas this is like a cocoon it is actually by Google owns it but it's even more

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    curated rather than by an algorithm so that's a really good site for setting as your homepage and then the kids can go search for images and videos relating to their school homework and it's a bit safer but thinking about media instead of the easy option of distracting our children with screen times it means as a parent we actually have to put in some effort to providing alternate activities so in your handbook at the end of today's session there's a massive list of really good outdoor activity ideas and play ideas for what a child should be doing by age 12 in your handbook and there's other extracurricular activities like sport or music and you know there's benefits in that not only of just occupying them but the teamwork and cooperation they learn playing a sport we found was really helpful our older children having a part time job and having to be organised and getting their own income but also it helps keep them occupied and you know they learn the skills of prioritising and budgeting the small money that they have and being responsible as really good side effects of getting a part time job but on top of all that again our example is really really crucial you know do we have self-control when it comes to the consumption of media or are we part of the problem so remember that adage we talked about on Sunday more far more is caught than taught so thinking of alternatives to screens here's some things that make for really positive family fun times together one of them is reading aloud to your children you know we often as

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    parents do it when our children can't read but once they can my appeal to you is don't stop keep going so I'd always read to my children a book that was at least a couple of years ahead of where they were in their reading skills and there's there's a URL in your handbook where you can actually download a spreadsheet of good books and what I mean by a good book is a book that has no moral ambiguity in it you know if you do the wrong thing there's consequences so you know I will remember my boys at an astonishingly early age waiting through the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy one summer holidays because I'd read as a bedtime story the Hobbit and and once they'd got a taste of that they wanted to go on and read the rest of it you know read Harry Potter aloud to your children before you show them the movies it's so much more fun and not only are you developing their imagination their cognition and vocabulary you're actually demonstrating the importance of time together sure you're reading a good fun book together but the fact that you made time for them is what really pays off in the long run because if you've invested time with your children when they're younger they'll take it for granted that you'll always be there for them but if you neglect to invest in your children they'll assume that you're not there and it'll be very difficult to build bridges when they're older the other really good alternative is games I mean we've invested heavily in the games cupboard as our

46. 25:15

    groom as our children grew older and we'd play games sort of one Friday night a month and if you only know about like Monopoly and Scrabble you need to get out more there's heaps of fun games released in the last decade some of our family favourites code names Carcassonne ticket to ride Telestrations settlers of Catan and so if those names mean nothing to you you need to get educated there's games are really good fun alternative to TV and screens great for the family and then they want to invite other families around to battle them in code names or something it's really good on the topic of things slipping in and taking over without without us noticing phones and mobiles you know I said the other night that every message we need to instruct our children that every message that they send on the internet or via a phone is a postcard it can be shared with other people by the person receiving it you've got no control over what they do with it so and as a family we are one of our family rules was any messages they sent could be read by their parents and so that's why we created family social media accounts but with phones the phone was never their own we bought a family phone so you know if one of them was going out they took the family phone with them and we found that we only needed one phone amongst our three because generally they were doing something in pairs or with a friend or you know at worst they could take one of our phones if there was three of

47. 26:54

    them going in separate directions but the point was it wasn't their phone they shared it it was a family phone it wasn't until they were working that they bought their own phones so that that concept that we were able to read their messages was enough in our house we really didn't have to do it much just the fact that we have the right to see what they're communicating to others because that became really handy when the children were courting you know they had to let the other party know that in our house our parents have the right to read all our messages now we didn't have to do that but just that threat meant that we were then confident as parents nothing inappropriate would be exchanged because the other party had fair warning that that was the family principle in our house and so we knew that the conversations would because that was the family principle that was shared that was all that was needed okay so we've looked at the drifting we can all recognize the trap there the second thing I want to talk about is Lot's wife remember Lot's wife we're told the tragedy there is that I think that's really what the what's the next verse someone got that open it says remember Lot's wife and then yeah it's about whoever seeks to save their life will lose it so it's like she sought her own personal life really wasn't invested in the family she was out doing her own she was you know the message of society today is you know women have their own life and we looked on Sunday that the role of

48. 28:34

    a mother is is a work of salvation it's one of the highest praise things from God so remember Lot's wife don't try to live your your your own life we're going to live a life in Christ and the way we learn to live a life in Christ and service to others is that God gives us a family that we've got an incentive to serve because we love them and then we learn to do that for others that's husbands as well as wives I'm talking about there so the tragedy is that her heart was back in the things of Sodom and so the reality is that she and Lot weren't on the same page remember he was vexed about the things that went on whereas her heart was actually in the things that went on so what do we need to do instead so as well as Couch Tom which we talked about on Sunday regularly bringing our spouse out of the role of being a mother into the role of being a wife and so I think is the real key that we need to do husband so I think the key is to spend adequate time together in common interests and family should be our number one common interest and so you know husbands if we want our wives to feel valued we need to take an active interest in what they've been doing with the children you know she's not just a babysitter she's not just occupying time she's teaching them helping them grow and develop and so as husbands we need to reinforce our wives importance to us and what the importance of what they're

49. 30:08

    doing in the way we value them and take an interest in what they are doing and so as well as the example of your communication and the priority of the relationship that you're elevating above the children by having couch time and regular time that they see the two of you sitting chatting together there also needs to be some time spent out of our children's earshot especially to discuss how things are going on and what we need to work on and when I say here go on a date night I'm not talking extravagant gestures it's the time together that's important you know a sandwich together and an ice cream afterwards as you stroll along the jetty could be a really treasured time together so you know one suggestion I've got in regard to valuing our wives is to offer to some friends to mind their kids while they have a night out and then in return they mind your kids a week or so later it you know you can even make it a regular thing if you wish but works works really well if you offer for them to go first a couple of more things with lot in relation to his daughters you know I struggle with the fact that lot was prepared to hand his daughters over to the men of Sodom there's some suggestion he was trying to shame them but I don't know it just is really bizarre to me but given their behavior later in the cave the only conclusion I can logically draw if he was literally planning to hand them over is that lot thought my children are wise

50. 31:47

    in the ways of the world and it would not be such a shock to them what was going to happen as it would be to these pure naive guests of mine but you know whatever went through his head I think we can all agree the topic that it brings to mind is purity and part of this is what age do you talk to your children what and what do you tell them so I do believe honesty is the best approach you want to be a trustworthy parent and the best advice I was given in this regard was at a family camp was the advice that we should do our readings and not skip them so you know what I mean we want to safeguard our children's innocence but they're learning and becoming aware of things so especially as they mature we want to make sure we don't edit and sanitize the Bible readings and so we because we do have a tendency to skip the ones that may be a bit awkward but if we stick to it and do the reading and there's no questions afterwards that's fine might still be over their head but if they ask a question we need to give an age-appropriate answer now that's where the section there's about three or four pages starting at page 60 of your workbook it's not intended to be exhaustive but just to give you an idea of what an age-appropriate answer might look like for a couple of for a younger child and an older child in plain straightforward language but just just think about the fact that you know don't you think that a

51. 33:30

    family environment where you make time to sit around God's Word and discuss the issues of life don't you think that that's a very safe and comforting environment to which to open up and explain things as a family together with the right attitude with God in the center so here's an alternative scenario you're watching a movie or no so you're probably watching TV and an ad comes on with a scantily clad woman rubbing herself all over some guy because he's wearing deodorant or you're watching a film where two people get into bed together you know how uncomfortable does that become in front of your children so I'm not my intention is not to give you a guilt trip but just to give you to prompt you to think carefully and objectively while you're away from the family environment about what kind of environment you want to build and some goals and discussions as parents so how do you avoid that scenario that I just talked about especially as your family gets older and you might want to have a special movie night together as an occasional treat well you have to put some forethought into what you're going to watch because the G and PG ratings today are not very helpful I'd find that there's a greater tolerance for violence amongst film classifiers than my children could handle and they found things very upsetting so personally I rely on IMDB if you go to the internet movie database there's a parent's guide there that you can click on and so here's Titanic and I'll pick on Titanic because it's such a popular movie it's so easy

52. 35:17

    to target and it gives you all the incidents of nudity and violence and a rating of you know how much there is so you can actually be informed before you watch the movie the other thing is that you can actually google there's a number of these out there Christian review sites where from a Christian perspective they'll actually give a moral rating to the film based on their assessment of you know whether it showed you know parents fulfilling their obligations or the kids were smart Alex and got away with doing something wrong they are overly sensitive to fairy and and wizard themes so just be aware of that but that they don't just check one do some research but I'm saying there's some really great resources so that you don't get caught in that trap and you know there's some really great family experiences where we sat and what watched the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the new one not the old one because the old one he does do the wrong thing and gets away with it and with a bowl of chocolate and every time they said candy we could unwrap some and eat it talking movies I'm not a real big fan of the screens in cars idea so what we did was we travelled we did two circuits around Australia the west and the east and we listened to audiobooks you know dramatized stories when traveling along car trips so it's a shared experience that you're experiencing together you're not encouraging a personal media bubble back here with one child in the back seat but you're stimulating imagination and sharing things there's some really good stories out there

53. 36:58

    the Narnia series which we bought at Curong but it's now on Audible I really recommend and the final tragedy of Lot's daughters is when they thought they were the only ones remember that there's there's no one else that we can marry they had no concept of the wider ecclesia and the tragedy that is as we heard the other morning on the opposite side of the valley who was there Abraham and we're told in the record that he had 318 trained servants and if you look at that word trained in scripture in Hebrew it's not trained in war it's actually trained in the scripture like they've been educated or taught so there's an ecclesia of 318 standing up on the other side of the valley and they these girls thought they were the only one there was no one else so that's why ecclesial activities why Bible schools like this is so important even visiting other ecclesias when we go on holiday sorry I didn't have a photo of your campsite so I used that one you know try and look up Christophians in the places that we visit so our children have a concept of the wider community and then obviously the ultimate tragedy was the perverted morals of Lot's daughters and you know how can we prevent that in our children well aside from the readings it's up to us to be the source of information and keep the marriage bed elevated in our family so when my children were teenagers I would have conversations with them there was a special night where I took my daughter out for tea father-daughter night and we had

54. 38:38

    conversations together I write my children letters every 18 months just to encourage them in things of moral purity and to commend them on their character development and how they're going and give them offer them advice and support but as well as no wider appreciation Lot's daughters had no moral conscience in fact they had perverted reasoning to end up sleeping with their father didn't they so we've we've already covered the influences of media yet here's another warning of why to take care you know what kind of family environment are you building are you building an independent family where everyone is part of it but all looking outwardly where everyone's looking out for their own interests and receiving from outside the family interests and influences and values like Lot's family does you know does everyone have their head in their own phone at the table because Lot's family were definitely far more influenced from outside the family than from what was supposed to be within so we need to learn from that and I'll put it to you that peer pressure is only as strong as the child's conscience and family identity is weak so what we the the other alternative is to build an interdependent family where screens and band at meal time and that there's limits on media and screen time and you do things together as a family like making cards like riding bikes going on outings you need to build a sense of belonging and the child then is a welcome member of the team rather than the center of it so they actually end up doing things for the good of the team they're a team player in every sense and rather than

55. 40:35

    being a self-centered individual so we talked about boundaries yesterday can I build on it in this context and say that you don't want to just create boundaries based on what you keep out your boundaries are going to be mostly defined by what's inside the things that you do together will be what defines your family your family identity should be positive things together we do this and do that not we don't do this and we don't do that so you want to create in your child's mind a strong sense of what family is not what family isn't so the whole idea of family to a child needs to be something bigger than self but small enough and tangible enough to provide security so as your children grow they're going to be subject to all kinds of outside pressure but if you've got a strong relationship with your children have cultivated a strong idea of who you are as a family and the principles you stand by because not as an individual an individual is not strong enough to withstand peer pressure but a child who's part of a strong family bond that's a different story and thinking of daughters thinking of the influences on daughters particularly fathers we need to be a strong and dependable influence in our daughters lives and we need to be comfortable with them you know especially as they blossom into young womanhood they're changing in all sorts of ways and if we start to act awkward around them and can't hug them they get the wrong message and the security and attention that they lack from their father they'll go off and seek elsewhere and end up attracting and enjoying the

56. 42:27

    wrong kind of attention and in the arms of the wrong kind of man so fathers give our daughters the appropriate attention security and stability that they deserve so they can grow up confident and godly young women so what about Noah leaving not Lot and his daughters aside well the first thing is that he is obedient which we've seen is that being the first principle that we need to teach our children above everything else children need to obey their parents because that's life and how can we ever expect our children to learn of god if they don't learn to obey us as parents first it's that simple it's that important and so obedience should be a defining characteristic of our children as much as it is a characteristic of all god's children including ourselves so we need to teach it to our children and as well as obedience through his life like we discussed Noah had family and you know just compare the family of Noah's sons properly married not something strange it's really hard to work out how Lot's daughters could be married and still virgins like there's just something weird going on there so we know that in the last days

57. 43:45

    it's going to be characterized by a time of marrying and giving in marriage and there's a push to get even more marriage happening and Noah's children in contrast to the world around them were happily married so we need to set the example to our children teach our children about good marriage and remember our example speaks louder than words so we need to elevate our marriage relationships and our communication and our service to each other as husband and wives in the eyes of our children and Noah proclaimed godliness and declared god's ways to the world around him so we have a role in declaring god to the world in our family and we looked at these quotes in training our children about letting our light shine to give glory to god and to conduct our our conduct and way of life our family life we need to keep honorable so that people can glorify god by looking at our family so obviously it means that Noah taught his children about god that god's word was part of their lives because you can't preach what you don't know and so Noah and his family were saved by water the like figure of baptism and if baptism is used in the context of Noah to me it tells me that Noah developed the conscience toward the things of god and his children which we've already seen as one of our priorities and goals as parents at which Noah appears to have succeeded in developing his teaching his children's heart developing their conscience so their their baptism was an answer of a good conscience toward god so back to Noah he was preaching and proclaiming righteousness in his days

58. 45:36

    not quietly fitting in like lot and lot's wife and family and they had a family project in the truth building an ark Noah had a really strong family identity and a family project whereas lot on the other hand was really weak we're not even clear about the extent of his family so building a strong family identity what's your family project what's your equivalent of building an ark together and every family is different that's the beauty of the family of god there's not one project for all of us and there's lots of projects to go around so as part of your family goals together perhaps it's time to consider your prayerfully consider your family project yeah there are ecclesial projects the the bible school here sunday school hall cleaning you know when we do pamphleting at the end buy ice cream and have fun in the park make it enjoyable in the minds of our children not a chore if your family likes gardening perhaps a project could be to help out at an older member's house you know i remember one family whose project was to make cards and whatever happened in the ecclesial family they had a card on hand that that to give to that to someone that was made by a member of that family to express some thoughts in another family i know collects bottles and cans for recycling but it's actually a family project to raise funds for the indian home or agape in action i think that's a great idea because you know if you can get over the picking up rubbish aspect maybe use disposable gloves or something but how else can a young child feel like they're actively

59. 47:36

    contributing financially toward others so you know some families go on bible mission work together um and so maybe that can be a conversation topic to discuss with other people what family projects that they've seen other people do and you know we need to be aspirational dads we need to be ideas men and and get some family projects happening and it's not just what we do to work together as a family but what do you do as for fun together you know to to a young child family should be a team that has fun that loves and forgives and helps each other what what is family what does the word family mean to your children so remember we talked you're inside that they they're born inside this thing called family and are learning what family is from the experiences that you give them so it might start with picnics and walks as toddlers and then bike rides and other sports together as children and as they grow up you can get more and more adventurous about what you do together you know some families play musical instruments together some families eat tea on the beach at summer you know whatever it is own it and make sure your children own it as well because the time will come when they'll see families doing things that maybe you're not comfortable with and then it's very easy to point out instead of judging the other family you just say look that's their family special thing let them have that we do this over here together and because we do this which they don't get to do let them have that as their special family thing

60. 49:28

    so you know remember peer pressure is only as strong as the family identities weak so if you create a strong sense of family identity that peer pressure to do things goes away because you're doing all these other fun things in its place and the reality is that you're going to encounter different families with different values whose children do things that you might not be comfortable with your children doing and a really positive way to work with that is to have your children always invite friends around to what you're doing rather than the other way so you want your house to be the place to be so you don't want your kids to be often never home so it means that you have to think about and maybe you have to buy that table tennis table or the pool table for your adults or maybe for your young adults or maybe you think about a swimming pool or take them outside somewhere regularly where they're having wholesome fun together and want to invite other children because my lesson from Noah is that we need to take the our commitment to family seriously family's precious it's worth something it's worth investing in so spend some time and effort and even money even money because else if we just drift along we'll get any old result like lot did and we all have a god-given opportunity in our family something special something unique you know your family's unique it's made up of the two of you with your shared experiences and goals and ideals so make your family fit the two of you and paint your combined picture to your children so they can see it and become it so remember they're born inside this thing called family they don't know what family means they've got no experience to judge it by so make the word family have real meaning and resonate with your children and your family will be is like no others i can't give you a blueprint for it

61. 51:41

    but look here's here's us notice the name of the boat we're a team right so there's things when we're out sailing now this my children are older so i'm not saying start with this but there's things that you sacrifice for the good of the team so even if you feel like sitting in the sun reading a book today if the family plans to sail somewhere if it's your job to haul up and secure the anchor when i've started the motor regardless of where you are down the page or what you feel like doing that job needs to be done right now immediately and at the end of the trip you might feel like glazing around and not doing much but if it's your job to haul down the sails as we're coming into land you have to do it then you've got no choice you're part of the team everyone has to pitch in and do their bit and at night you know we're anchored and we play cards and games and we're because our children are teenagers at this point we're becoming transitioning into real friends with our children playing with our kids all day because they've got no friends to be with other than ourselves we've taken them away so look our children were older you don't start here we started with family picnics and moved on to holidaying and riding bikes together but just that's an idea where it can lead and as well as enjoying having family with me there's a couple other things i enjoyed about our trips you know one is i'm in it so going where there's no mobile coverage

62. 53:20

    um where um instead of being on call 24 7 to look after servers no one could contact me out in the middle of lake argyle and i could switch off and it was great but also when i woke up in the morning and i prayed set up we set a family prayer to god to pray and keep us safe when you're out on the ocean with no rea really to call or no insurance or airbags or seat belts even just our life jackets that they had to wear but you know you get what i mean you you're totally at the mercy of the elements when you pray to god to keep you safe you 100 mean it and i really that really was encouraging to me about how much i i think we get away from how much we rely on god like back in the day if you're a farmer in israel you'd rely on god for the weather at the right time and we're so removed from that i just found a really good connection to god so those fun times demonstrate the value of family so if we as parents value our family invest in games together and fun times holidays and fam and outings our children will value our family and invest in it too and that their chores and cooperation day to day are their contribution to family in response to seeing us put effort in family so family something that they belong to and have ownership and investment in then it's something that they can also add their contribution to so we found that if we created memorable moments their investment day to day was far stronger and the day routine ran much easier

63. 55:06

    so i'll just point out that we never paid pocket money for their regular chores like tidying their room because we didn't want to rob them of that emotional investment and make it a mere transaction instead you know we had jobs that were a known value like if they washed my car it was five dollars if they vacuumed it as well it was another five dollars if they washed all the wind cleaned all the windows in the front of the house that was five dollars the back was five dollars so if they wanted to earn money there were chores that were worth a certain value over and above their daily routine but their daily routine was their emotional investment and their contribution to the smooth running of the family in response to the the value that we as parents put in it by the things we invested as well so it was never a mere financial transaction what they did for the family so the last thing i want to make a point i want to make from noah and lot before we get on to our challenge for today is that our family cannot operate without one of the greatest attributes of god and that's forgiveness as children as parents we need to teach our children to apologize and so there's lots of times where it may not go as well and we can say i'm sorry we're working on that but on balance also we need to cultivate an attitude of forgiveness in our children you know every day is a clean slate for us and so we should be the same with our children

64. 56:47

    never ever say you always do that we need to encourage change not label our children we need to learn to let go of our frustrations and as a godly parent give a fresh chance that's encouraging sorry but has clear boundaries and expectations so you know even though god's our example on the forgiving side on the transgression side a proper apology is more than an i'm sorry it's a skill to have to go to your room and consider what you've done and how it might have affected others and consider on your own

65. 57:39

    that impact and then come back and offer a suitable apology and ask for forgiveness and again the best teacher is our example and so in regard to a good example of healthy marriage and asking forgiveness brother bob lloyd advises advises us of four parts to a heartfelt apology to our spouse i'm sorry i was wrong please forgive me i love you so if that's the example that we're setting for our children then our children can learn to give a proper apology also so we've been talking all through the week about being like god or holiness really has been the topic in parenting teaching obedience instilling thankfulness showing kindness to each other demonstrating and teaching forgiveness and personal responsibility you know paul warned timothy that the last days would be the exact opposite of these characteristics and i think this slide of second timothy three we can see that's we can see today is the reality of the environment that paul was warning timothy about we can see that mindset around us us yet we want the exact opposite to be the characteristics in our children and so if we do nothing and just drift along that's how our children will end up because that's the environment they're in remember lots wife and family so we are swimming against the flow with our families so we want our families to be humble to love god to be grateful and thankful which means we have to put more effort in because if we don't if we stop swimming against the current our families will drift along and that will be the result so picking up the idea of us being counter-culture and bringing it back to

66. 59:47

    to noah think of this quote in hebrews 11 by reverent fear noah saved his house by living counter to the world around him his well being exactly as paul described also and because he stood apart with his family his godly life in direct contrast to theirs the people around him were without excuse and so by noah's faithful and reverent example the whole world was condemned and we too should be condemning the list of what's in the world by our faithful examples and so while i'm talking about hebrews 11 have you ever noticed that to those involved in this chapter here in this list then none of them are attempting to do big things they're just looking out for the best interest of their family and yet god picks that up and labels it as faith and records it for us to see as an example so we talked about abraham before he's one of the faithful in hebrews 11 because he lived his life in the kingdom and dragged his family around in a tent noah by faith he built an ark to save his family by faith a hebrew couple hid their baby son part of their family and that son as a result of the faithful example of his parents by faith he delivered the entire family of israel by faith rahab saved her family by faith women received their family to life and more so being a giant of faith doesn't isn't in the big things and spectacles and stuff out there it's expressed in our families so um there's a family identity exercise for you in the notes for you to actually think about what you want to be

67. 1:01:59

    your family defined as but what's my takeaways so hopefully you've been getting some ideas of things to perhaps discuss as parents my appeal is don't just drift along noah and lot are both men of faith both in hebrews 11 but only one of them was able to leave a lasting legacy of faith in their family and we want to be way more like noah and less like lot when it comes to our family identity and so as we see here in second of corinthians god's purpose is to make all of us our sons and daughters and he wishes to perfect holiness in all of us so we're commencing god's work that he's going to complete doesn't have to be perfect but if we're alert and careful to influences and seek to promote holiness in our families we're commencing god's work so our parent challenge today that we're going to conclude on is seeing parenting as an act of faith remember faith's about seeing the invisible and parenting a godly family is about acting like a kingdom family now so our actions our attitudes the things we do together should be able to fit right into life in god's kingdom and so our children are a welcome member of our family team just as we're an integral and welcome part of god's family team as it were but also our family needs to be alive with works like james encourages us as a family that practically helps others because faith without works is dead remember so a family who looks instead of looking outward for ways to help looks outward for influence is also dead so can i leave you this last bit of encouragement in faith yes

68. 1:03:54

    it is a scary world out there but in faith can we please see that god is watching over our families and working with us he they're his heritage he's co-parenting with us he's a father to our children too so second of thessalonians 3 the lord is faithful who will establish all you as parents and keep you and your families from evil and we've got confidence in the lord touching you that you'll both do and will do the things which god commands you and our prayer is that the lord direct your hearts to the love of god and to the patient waiting of christ