Ben Pitcher - Class 3: Training in Godliness

Automatically transcribed. Accuracy is good but not perfect, and words are sometimes wrong. Trust the audio over the text.

1. 0:00

   Thanks, Ben. So today we want to, so we looked at this yesterday about the transition that we're affecting in parenting. So today we want to move beyond discipline and instruction to the training part of the parenting process. And remember we said yesterday that the goal of our training is a good conscience. So, you know, you're developing your child's moral compass.

2. 0:33

   So they've got guidance as to how to act in situations where you're not there and where the Bible's not there to guide them. So you need to make their own personal boundaries clear to them. And if there is, if you put something in their heart, there's something there in their heart, they can then respond to that.

3. 0:54

   But if you've placed nothing in their heart, then there's nothing there to prompt them. So the thing I really want to get through about training is that we're not instructing our children to a list of rules and then chastising them when they break them. We want to actually go beyond having rules and train our children in God's principles.

4. 1:23

   So we want our children to be motivated by a love of virtue rather than a fear of reproof. So the principles that are in our heart, we teach into their heart. And so we often with our young children, we need to listen carefully and take notice of what's going on in their heart and teach into it.

5. 1:47

   And my appeal is with young children, don't let the opportunity slip by. You know, some might say, at kindy today, Jimmy said a rude word and I told him not to say rude words. So there, you've got a window into that child's heart. So pick that up, teach into it and reinforce that, yes, God's really pleased when we say nice things to each other.

6. 2:09

   Don't just say, that's nice, dear, and let it go. So, you know, who needs the training here? The problem's with us. We need the training to pick up often on those opportunities that our children give us. And what we're instructed to do from God's word is consistent parenting in times of non-conflict. So notice that.

7. 2:34

   It's not parenting when there's a crisis. It's not just telling our children what not to do. But continually telling them what we do and why. So, like we mentioned yesterday, a key strategy is to tell our children the moral reason why. And we're doing that along the way in the path when we rise up, when we lie down.

8. 3:00

   So just in times of non-conflict, we're reinforcing our values. And so, you know, this idea of giving children moral reason why as they get older. An example is, at playgroup, you know, don't just say it's time to pack away the toys. You can give them a bit more information and say, we need to pack the toys away now so that when the next time children come to playgroup, they'll know where to find them.

9. 3:28

   And, you know, sometimes we can confuse the result with the process. You know, we can think it's important to put the toy in the box and leave our child out of the equation. So, for example, you know, a child might kick up a fuss about putting that toy away. So, mum lets them keep playing and when the child's distracted with something else, they'll sneak the toy away and get it in the box.

10. 3:53

    Well, you've put the toy away, but from your child's eyes, they haven't learnt that they... Well, what they've actually learnt is that they don't have to follow instructions like everyone else. They don't have to think of others. They can be selfish and you'll just work around that selfishness. You're making them wise in their own eyes when we fall to that kind of trap.

11. 4:19

    So, what I'm suggesting is that we use the tasks that we need to accomplish as opportunities. So, same with dads on Saturday mornings. You know, we need to try to have patience and involve our children, holding the nails or passing up the screwdriver. You know, sure, the job takes a lot longer, but teaching our children is actually more important than the job at hand.

12. 4:45

    And the reason we're training to principals is that if we just use rules, how do we allow for exceptions? You know, for example, we might say to our kids, don't ever run in the hall. But on games night, they can run inside the hall. Or what if there's an emergency and someone needs to run for the first aid kit and someone asks your child to get it?

13. 5:10

    Are you going to expect them to walk? So, instead of a rule, always give a reason. So, have a look at this, for example. Man, that was a great sermon, wasn't it? Yeah, it's going to be so much fun. The teacher is supposed to be really, really good. Yeah, that new bathtub is so good.

14. 5:38

    Oh, yeah. Stevie! What? Stevie! What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Brian, come around with me. All right. No, Brian, we're not going to run on the patio. Yes, I'm right. So, you know, which is your child, Ryan or Stevie? And can you see the things there that you could point out to your child in the situation like that to encourage their obedience as to why we don't run inside the hall in a situation like that?

15. 6:38

    So, Ryan's... Sorry, Stevie's parents went on to explain why. What do you think some of the things that you saw there they might point out as to why you wouldn't run?

16. 6:50

    Yeah, there's an old... You know, you can tell your child you don't run in the hall because the elderly people are terrified of being knocked over. So, for the sake of the elderly, we don't run in the hall. Yep. What else was there? Yeah, people with hot drinks. There's people walking around with hot drinks.

17. 7:07

    If you're running around, someone will spill hot drink on themselves. That's why we don't run in the hall. So, you know, Ryan's parents go on to share... Well, if in the case Ryan's parents hadn't done their job properly and just said, no, don't run, then it's only their presence that stops Ryan from running.

18. 7:30

    And next Sunday, when Stevie's running around and asks Ryan to run, he'll look around, see if his parents are there, and make the decision to run whether the authority is there or not, not based on the reason that's in his heart. So, if you've provided them a principle, then Stevie has got a compelling reason not to run when his parents aren't there to restrain him.

19. 7:54

    So, as parents, you know, we might make a rule that when the kids go to bed, they need to stay in bed. But if their brother or sister fell out of bed, wouldn't we love it if they would get out and help them? So, we can't make hard and fast rules. What we need to do is elevate the principles of our laws above the actual letter of the law.

20. 8:17

    You know, they're not... Let them know the principles we live by rather than a series of rules we follow blindly. So, our children aren't robots assimilating commands that we're trying to program. We're trying to reach their heart. So, when a child's small, like we saw yesterday, with the discipline process, they're not going to understand complex reasons.

21. 8:40

    So, you've got... You can... You've been given the God-given authority to say, because mum or dad said so, that's why I want you to do this.

22. 8:51

    But when they get older, that should be less and less of what you say. You actually should give them a reason from your heart. And the challenge is, it needs to be in our heart. See that there in verse 6? So, it has to be in our heart before we pass it on.

23. 9:09

    So, sometimes we actually have to stop and perhaps have some discussions as to why we expect the behaviours that we do. And so, it's... We need to have that confidence that we can give an answer, a reason to our children for our behaviours. And, you know, that's where the Bible comes into everyday life.

24. 9:32

    The Bible's a parenting tool. You know, mums can show their connection to God and His Word. They've got the Bible open on the bench and they're dealing with the little ones. But, you know, through the day, they might just read one verse out, the Proverbs or something. And the children see that and notice that everything we do is from God's Word and that's what we're passing on.

25. 9:52

    And, you know, husbands, we were exhorted Sunday, we need to study with our wives, wash them with the water of the Word. And parenting provides lots of opportunities where, as husbands, we can help our wives and together study God's Word and come up with answers and principles for why we do things. And, you know, you think...

26. 10:17

    Maybe think I'm stretching it, saying, well, we need to give children answers to all those questions. If you've got Deuteronomy 6 still open on your lap, this is the way God works. Look at verse 20. In this chapter about doing stuff in the way, talking in your heart, it says, when your son asks you why, here's the reason.

27. 10:39

    Here's what you tell them. And in your own time, read the Passover. The whole Passover is a family meal that involves children. And it's embedded with questions that they're going to ask and God gives parents the answer to give the children as to what this whole thing is all about and what we're doing here.

28. 11:01

    So... And there's incidents where Joshua's instructed to deliberately make these monuments either side of Jordan. What was the whole point of that? The whole point was that it would be a prompt that when you're in the way, your children would say, what's that, Dad? And here's the answer that you tell them. So that's the way God has designed families to work, to be a place where children ask questions and you give them an answer from your heart which you've instilled with the things in God's word.

29. 11:31

    So... I want to just point out two things about parenting and training in particular. Just so it's not all... We're not negative training all the time.

30. 11:49

    The... The... Like... We can have the perspective that, wow, this is... You know, I want to make the children's life a misery. I'm picking them up on everything. Where's the fun for our kids in parenting if I'm... Dealing with telling them off all the time and what they should be doing. The thing about parenting is I think the biggest determinant is our expectations as parents in terms of the outcome with our children.

31. 12:20

    If we don't place any demands on our children's behaviour, then they won't give us anything. And I've heard it said our children today are so different. And you know what? That's absolute rubbish. Genetics hasn't changed. Children are still children. What has changed is parental and societal expectations and the influences of society. So...

32. 12:44

    Influences we'll talk about tomorrow, but we need to have expectations that our children will come to the standards we set. And so... And so... What I'm trying to highlight is our expectations of their moral behaviour. And moral behaviour is one area where all children can perform like Olympic athletes. You know, when it comes to things of skill, all children are different.

33. 13:11

    And those that do exceed athletically, as well as talent, raw talent, it does come down to expectation and practice. But moral behaviour is one thing where all children can excel and be Olympic athletes, as it were, in moral excellence. But to do that, they need your coaching. They need clear expectations. And family provides lots of opportunities for them to practice.

34. 13:42

    But if you don't pick up on their behaviour like a diligent coach in order to help them improve, if you can't be bothered correcting every little thing because it's exhausting, hard work, and you're not consistent, and so there's times when you'd just like to switch off and take it easy, well, the results are going to bear that out.

35. 14:04

    So true pattern, true parenting in the pattern of our Heavenly Father is not about our convenience. It's about God's glory. Remember Hebrews 12 that we looked at yesterday. We're not disciplining for our pleasure and convenience, but we're kingdom's families trying to raise God's children. And I've also heard it said that if I spend all day disciplining and correcting and telling off my young child, it's just a totally negative experience.

36. 14:35

    Well, you know, I could say that same thing about gardening. I don't like gardening because it's really negative. Think of all that cutting and hacking off things and pulling stuff out. I mean, I just want everything to grow and flourish. Well, you know, tearing out weeds is violent and negative and it might scare the other plants, but I want to provide an opportunity in my garden for good things to grow.

37. 15:03

    And what do you think the result would be of just stepping back and letting everything grow and flourish? Big teenage weeds that are really hard to remove and lots of overgrown behaviours that are really, really hard to correct. So, my appeal is not to confuse the process that we're going through of training and disciplining with the outcome that we're wanting at the end of it.

38. 15:30

    So, just because the process has some negatives and some inconveniences for us, it doesn't mean that the end result is negative. In fact, the outcome's the exact opposite, just like in a garden. And you maybe think, I'm stretching the analogy here with gardening, but what about a scriptural example? Just, if you've got a moment, turn up 1 Corinthians 13.

39. 15:52

    Now, we know this section as a beautiful description of love. You know, hands up anyone who thinks 1 Corinthians 13 is a negative chapter in the Bible. Alright, so we're all on the same page that 1 Corinthians 13 is not going to create an environment of distrust and conflict, okay? Well, I'm going to give you, while you read down the page, I'm going to give you the parents' paraphrase of Paul's words about love.

40. 16:25

    And you look at the verses and see if you think I'm correct. And you agree with what I'm saying. So, here's Paul's, the parents' paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13. Be patient. Be kind. Don't be envious. Don't be self-important. Don't be proud and puffed up. Don't be unseemly. Don't be selfish. Don't be easily provoked.

41. 17:02

    Don't think about evil. Don't rejoice in iniquity. Rejoice in the truth. Bear up. Believe. Hope. Endure. There's a lot of don'ts in there, isn't there, for such a positive chapter. Don't do this. Don't do that. Do this. Do this. Sounds an awful lot like parenting day to day, doesn't it? So, what's the point?

42. 17:34

    The point is the same one from our reading yesterday in Hebrews 12, 11, that no chastening for the moment seems to be joyous, but grievous. Nevertheless, afterward, it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to them that are exercised thereby. So, we're not just training for the sake of it, for our pleasure. Never forget, we're training for godliness.

43. 17:56

    And that godliness bears fruit in our children's lives. So, this idea of bearing fruit is something that we used to use in summarising, you know, 20 weeks of parenting classes. All the behaviours that you try to encourage in your children, you know, you can line them up under one of the categories of the fruit of the spirit.

44. 18:16

    So, by stopping bad behaviour, you're pulling out a we that can then allow the counterpoint to grow and flourish. And so, we're talking about love, joy, peace. Long-suffering and gentleness. So, in your notes, actually on page 42, I included one summary from the end of one parenting class just to give you an idea of how that, how the various ideas and strategies we looked at over 20 weeks, we could group into those fruits of the spirit that produces those outcomes by those methods.

45. 18:52

    So, our aim is to produce principles and our key training strategy is to define and reinforce boundaries. You know, so, having boundaries comes back to the foundation principle we talked about on Sunday that children are a welcome addition to the family that does, and the family does not revolve around them. And, you know, Lisa used to deal with many parents and children in daycare when she was doing family daycare and she's seen first hand how insecure and unhappy children can be when they're put in the driver's seat of the family and the parents do everything the child wishes.

46. 19:39

    And think of it literally like that. A young child in the driver's seat of the car and they're driving and they don't know the rules of the road they can't read the stop signs how terrifying is that to the child? How insecure must they feel? And when they push to find the brakes they can't find them because in their family when they push to find a nice secure boundary they don't find one.

47. 20:08

    Whenever they kick up a fuss or make a demand about what they want to do their parents just trying to find a way to accommodate it thinking that they're being good parents but they're actually creating a very insecure child because you know nothing's fixed everything's negotiable the child seemingly in control but to the child everything's out of control because they don't know the rules and they're really insecure.

48. 20:33

    So my appeal is from God's word to give your family the security not only of your love for one another but the security of knowing where the boundaries are. children deal with boundaries one of two ways they'll either keep well inside them or they go right up and hang an arm or a leg over and it doesn't mean they like boundaries any less it's just they're really interested in that boundary and they keep checking it's still there or maybe it's moved a couple of feet overnight and so if it seems like it's moved a couple of feet because we didn't react to an arm or a leg they then have to see where the boundaries ended up and they'll keep pushing and pushing until they find where the boundary is again.

49. 21:22

    So for a very young child boundaries and security in their mind is really part of their routine. So children at a young age flourish if there's a set routine and things are fairly predictable and they know where they are. You know they have a rest at a certain time of the day certain days a play group or shopping and you know some people and I'll put myself in this category think that routine's restrictive when I was a young lad but I was shown that routine can actually be very liberating.

50. 22:00

    So you know think of the situation if you've created a routine where your child where you know your child will sleep for an hour and a half. You know husbands you're actually then free to arrange your parents or in laws to come over and then you're free to take your wife out for a good hour and a half maybe even two hours and your wife's actually free to go with you without fearing that she'll need to rush back at any time for a fee because you've established boundaries with that young baby in the form of a routine.

51. 22:38

    So that's what instructed me as to how liberating a routine can be. But here's the other challenge and that is that we as adults understand what family is. After all we formed a family when we got married and we were part of a family before when we were growing up. But think of it from your child's perspective.

52. 23:03

    They were born into this thing called family and they're trying to work out what family is from the inside before they can even communicate and understand. They're working out what a family is. So when I talk about boundaries I'm asking where's the visible boundary of your family and how do you show to your child that boundary that's just born within it.

53. 23:32

    And it's interesting to think about because when a baby's born the boundaries are really close and small and you're providing nurture and care and protection. But as your children grow those boundaries expand. The things that you do together when you have teenagers would probably be potentially unsafe and crazy with a baby. But also the children's sense of responsibility grows so those boundaries expand.

54. 24:00

    So for example there's an age where you might let them walk or ride to school. But what you want is that definition of family, that boundary to go with your children wherever they are and so that they would always do things that your family stands for. That they always have within them the confidence and the sense of family support with whatever they're doing.

55. 24:24

    So you want your children to grow up empowered by their sense of family. family. So thinking about expanding the boundaries of families they grow, what about the choices that we let our children make and the range of choices we give them? You know as a society we're addicted to choice and it doesn't really make us happy.

56. 24:47

    In fact so many choices make a lot of people more unhappy because how do you know which is better? Is the choice now that you've bought it the best one or like is there actually a better one you should have bought? But we get suckered into this idea that we're being good parents if we allow for choices.

57. 25:06

    You know especially mums. You know you feel like you're being a good mum if you work hard and give your children lots of choices. And I think you are working hard. You're working far harder I think than sometimes you need to. Because but there's a danger that the principle that you're inadvertently teaching them might be wrong if that child's not ready for those choices.

58. 25:32

    So just like the boundaries expand we need to be mindful of our choices. And so I think there's a balance between a freedom of choice and a level of responsibility. So like boundaries expand when our children get older so does their level of responsibility. And so along with that level of responsibility it's important that they gain personal freedoms to reinforce their responsibility.

59. 25:59

    So you know you might think you're doing a really good job as a parent to develop their tastes and allowing them expression at a very young age. But remember we said yesterday children don't see things the same way parents do. And we talked that children learn by doing the behaviour first and then the pattern of behaviour and the neurons are developed following it where we have the cognition to think first and then act.

60. 26:29

    So I'll just give you an example of what I'm talking about in the fact that children see things differently when it comes to the the the the the the the the the Okay, Rachel, what should we have for breakfast this morning? Toast, cereal, oatmeal, bagel? I like a bagel.

61. 27:17

    Would you like cream cheese or jelly? I like a jelly. Hunt, red cup or blue cup? I do like a jelly. Orange juice or apple juice? Orange juice. You know what, hon? I thought I told you to put on the other outfit. I thought this one was better.

62. 27:53

    Rachel, I need you to hurry up and eat your breakfast because I thought we'd go to the library today. No, I want to go to the park. The park? So do you see what's going on there? Yeah, you know, as adults, we've got the moral maturity that the choice about the colour of a cup is not the same as choosing whether you want to behave or not.

63. 28:18

    But a young child like that doesn't have that distinction. So, you know, you say red cup, they say blue. You say orange juice, they say apple juice. You say library, they say park. You say bedtime now, they say no. From a young mind's perspective, there's no difference in any of those choices. It's only when they're a bit older and a bit more morally aware that they can actually discern the difference.

64. 28:46

    And the trouble with the other trouble with a very young child is not only do they not see any difference between these choices, but if they're always used to getting their own way as they see it, when they don't get it on an occasion, boy, do they put it on. So, you know, it's a real subtle and easy trap to fall into as a parent because we want to be good parents.

65. 29:12

    And we can think we're, you know, being a good parent by being so patient and accommodating. Yet we can't actually be making things hard for ourselves and our child because we're training them to say yes, no all day. And they don't understand when they've done the wrong thing by saying no to that one thing made you fly off the handle when everything else was okay for them to negotiate.

66. 29:37

    So let me be clear. I'm not anti-choice. But what I've learned is that freedom equates to responsibility. So as your child grows and matures, they reach a point where they're responsible so you give them more freedoms. And if that doesn't work at any stage, as a parent, you've got a right to pull those freedoms back and say, I'm sorry, that didn't work.

67. 30:02

    We'll try it again when you're ready for it. So parenting's constantly making little adjustments, checking in with our children, rewarding them with more responsibilities and bigger chores and age-appropriate freedoms to go along with it. And often the test of whether your child is ready for the freedom is to take it away momentarily.

68. 30:24

    You know, if you decided what colour cup or plate your child is having, will they accept it gracefully? If not, then they're not really ready for the freedom to make that choice. So a good strategy is to introduce choices with defined parameters. For example, you might be going to the show and you've got a budget in mind for show bags for each child.

69. 30:49

    So, you know, they can either choose one expensive one or two cheap ones in that budget, for example. That's a really good parameter for giving a choice. Because then you're teaching good decision-making along with their choices, not just giving free reign of self-satisfaction. Getting children to choose presents for their friends' birthdays in a budget you give them is another really good one for older children.

70. 31:14

    And so we went over the principle of obedience in detail yesterday, showing that it's mandated by parents to teach. But it's also a scriptural imperative to teach honesty and respect. Because it holds out a similar promise to obedience. In Psalm 15, who's going to dwell in the holy hill of the Lord, in the kingdom?

71. 31:38

    The one who does blamelessly, does what's right and speaks truth in his heart, does not slander with his neighbour, but honours the Lord. So, we have a scriptural obligation to train our children in many areas, not just obedience and honesty. And I don't have time to deal with them all, but hopefully they're pretty straightforward biblical principles.

72. 32:08

    But in regard to respect, we're told, for example, that God puts rulers in authority for our safety. And so how do our children hear us talking about those rulers? Is it respectfully?

73. 32:24

    And how do they hear us talking about policemen, for example? And remember, it's our example that teaches the most. So, do we teach our children to respect those in authority, or do we undermine those in authority? You know, if we disagree with what a teacher's doing at school, do we run them down in front of our children, or should we take it up with the teacher privately?

74. 32:50

    Respect for nature is appreciating God's creation, and we need to be good stewards of it, not destructive. And respect of peers is about getting along and respecting other people's property. And it's really about children understanding it's the people behind our actions that's important. not just the task that we give them at hand.

75. 33:16

    So here's a couple of other catch-all quotes for passing on the moral reason why, about not being rude, because love is not rude halfway down there.

76. 33:30

    And being courteous to everyone, and that includes their brothers and sisters in the family. We're courteous to all people in Titus. But respect for elders and others is really important, because that's directly from God. Leviticus 19 at the top there, in the same way that God stamps himself into the command about respecting parents, he does the same with elders.

77. 33:59

    So be big on it. It's not a little thing. It's from God. It's something that we should be instructing our children in. And it starts out when they're toddlers. Don't touch those books. They're daddy's books. Where are Henry's books? And they learn that their own possessions need taken care of as well. You know, let your children have their own special possessions that they treasure and only have trusted friends to play with.

78. 34:30

    That's okay. They're understanding that some things are precious to them, and likewise, some things are precious to others. But always have some toys in the cupboard that are share toys for everyone, like they're not an individual child, so that when friends come over, everyone can play with those. And I don't know how you do it in your family, but to help with sharing, we would always make the child's birthday their day, and they got those presents.

79. 34:58

    But Christmas time, end of the year, we would always buy one bigger present that all the children shared together was a way we tried to do that. And as well as teaching them respect, one thing that we found really helpful with our children was it really helps if you can prepare them of your expectations up front.

80. 35:21

    So Christ's a really great example of this. If you look at John's Gospel, it's full of multiple chapters where Christ is trying to prepare his disciples for what's just about to happen. And so, you know, with our children we saw yesterday, you can't get cross with them if they react inappropriately, if we've actually never guided them or instructed them.

81. 35:47

    So, it really helps to encourage and prepare ahead our children, especially those with personalities that might let them down. So, you know, a shy child, on the way to the meeting, you're talking about shaking the doorman's hand and saying hello. to prepare them before they walk into the hall. And because shyness is no excuse for rudeness, if your child does let you down in public, you know, we don't do our discipline in public, but there's a phrase that really frees us from embarrassment and it's, I'm sorry, but we're working on that.

82. 36:28

    And your child then knows that they haven't got away with that in public, that you do expect better of them and any adults, you know, all of a sudden really understanding when you acknowledge that we're working on that with our children. And so, preparation, you can brush your daughter's hair and have a conversation and say, you know, people are going to comment on you and say that you're pretty in this dress.

83. 36:56

    What are you going to say? Let's try. You look pretty in that dress, Robin, and then get them to practice an appropriate response. And you can role play in the way. So, we're parenting in the way. We're going to Uncle Tom and Aunty Wendy's home and remember there's James and Jemima, so what are you going to say at the end of the meal?

84. 37:17

    So, you're preparing the children ahead of time for your expectations. And role playing is a really good way to introduce a number of behaviours for your young children and as your children grow and you introduce new expectations of behaviour as they become more responsible, you can role play. So, the first thing you role play is first time obedience, getting them to say, yes mummy and yes daddy.

85. 37:42

    And then get them to practice that response before you introduce it as a requirement. Now, we're talking about training in godliness. Why are we tying everything back to that? Well, one of the reasons that God created families was to show his glory. So, think of these quotes here in Matthew 5 and in 1 Peter 2.

86. 38:07

    You know, God wants us to draw other people to him. And you know, this is another way in which a mother's work is a work of salvation. Remember, we saw that the other day in Timothy. But think of the mother who's out in public with respectful and obedient children. You know, they're not a testament to your parenting skills, but a testament to God's principles.

87. 38:34

    And you know, people do take notice, they observe. So, we always want to share that the results of what they see are just plain Bible principles. It's nothing special. And then that might provide an opportunity for things to open up where some people might be then more receptive because they can actually see a tangible demonstration of godly order and peace and authority and love in your family.

88. 39:03

    And Peter says that there's going to be people who've seen what you do but, you know, it actually doesn't click into place for them until the day of salvation. And when Christ comes, they'll remember you and your example with your children. So, that's another way that parenting is a lasting work for the kingdom because the kingdom remembers about all those little families that have shown God's glory being joined in one big family.

89. 39:31

    Because, remember, in Abraham, all families of the earth will be blessed and some of that blessing is by people recognising that they've actually seen the message that God is preaching in your families now. So, you know, encourage your children to look out for others, you know, developing an outward-looking attitude. You know, some children have that personality where they're naturally considerate and thoughtful, but for most children you'd have to point out opportunities where they can help others for it to become part of how they think.

90. 40:04

    So, you know, they can make cards for other people in the ecclesia. They can pick flowers to go with the meals that you might prepare for others. You know, there's hall cleaning that they can help with, wine glasses, suppers, there's plenty of opportunities that you can encourage them to give service. So, while I'm on the subject of encouraging, I had to put this in for fathers because we're singled out twice by Paul.

91. 40:30

    So, you know, think about this, it's just as important as children's obedience. So, there's a strong reminder to fathers that there's to be no confusion or frustration of our children in Ephesians and Colossians because I think fathers are singled out because we have a tendency of being totally absorbed in our own things.

92. 40:53

    And there's the anger caused by, there's the anger in our children that can be caused by our inconsistency. You know, the child angry because this wasn't a rule yesterday. But I also think fathers need cautioning because we're worse at reading the mood. And one thing that fathers are really terrible at is matching the excitement of the children or understanding how important something is to them.

93. 41:20

    So, you know, when they come running inside with the bird's nest that they found, you know, rather than getting concerned about the sticks or fleas they're trailing on the table, we need to learn to resonate and match them emotionally. You know, they're so excited about this thing they've found, that they just want to share it with you.

94. 41:38

    And we can deflate things with our default reaction without meaning to. So, we'd be encouraging and let's find something to put it in. And we talk along the way about how, look at how God created that mother and father bird to make this nest for their children. Now, we talked about energy levels yesterday and when it has really built up, allowing it to dissipate rather than demanding it to be instantly cut off by giving a five-minute warning.

95. 42:09

    And that's always helpful. But another thing that I have found really reduces my frustration if I tell the kids clearly what to do instead of what not to do. For example, if the kids are fidgety and twitchy and poking each other, instead of saying, stop wriggling, sit still, you know, what is sit still to a child?

96. 42:31

    They are sitting still in their mind. They're not out there running. So you tell them to fold their hands together and put it in their lap and get some self-control. So you're telling them what to do, not telling them what not to do. And it sounds a bit schoolteacher-ish, but the reason I've discovered schoolteachers use it is because it really works.

97. 42:54

    It brings all this stuff that's going on out here down into here. And, you know, if a child's having trouble holding it together emotionally, telling them to put their hands in their lap and get it together can really help bring the emotional control back together. So, dads, as well as abstract commands, we often fall into the trap of giving negative commands.

98. 43:18

    So, try always to put things in the positive. So instead of saying, you know, don't spill that, say, see how carefully you can carry that to the table. So, you want to be seen as fair, encouraging, and even handed to your children. Because if you're not fair, your children will get frustrated, and children have a very strong innate sense of fairness.

99. 43:44

    So, we've found fairness a really good tool in parenting, and just as an aside, I'll throw this in about being fair. If children are arguing over something, you can get that timer out again and put five minutes on a timer. When it dings, it's the other person's turn to play with it. Because you see, it's not up to you anymore, it's up to this arbitrary timer over here.

100. 44:11

     And kids see that as just and fair because the timer becomes the arbitrator in many situations. And if the children didn't ask properly, and they need to ask again in three minutes, so you put three minutes on the timer, when it dings, they can come and ask again. They've been behaving badly, they can go to their room and you don't want to see their face for ten minutes and you can put ten minutes on the timer.

101. 44:35

     And then there's a concrete indication that everything, the past is forgotten and everyone can move on once it dings. So I was very pleased to find out that every microwave has a timer, you don't actually have to hit the power button, it counts time down, so there's that. about parenting. So I've nudged into encouragement in the way that we as fathers give instruction, can I also point out to dads that not only do we need to heed Paul's warning because it can have a potentially negative impact in terms of frustrating our children, but if you flip what Paul's saying around the other way, it becomes obvious that dads can have an enormously positive impact if they encourage.

102. 45:26

     So dads, it actually means more coming from you because generally you do it less. So we tend to only encourage in order to achieve a result. So you see that when children are learning a sport, all the dads are on the sidelines encouraging. And we tend to encourage when we could see something could be done better.

103. 45:50

     So we'll point out in an encouraging way how they could improve. But we often fail to encourage when they actually do it well. And dads, you've got a secret ingredient that can make maximum impact by adding touch to our encouragement. Because mums are probably already just doing this. so if you put your hands on your child's shoulder and look them in the face and say I really appreciate how you helped out by doing the dishes graciously even when it wasn't your turn.

104. 46:31

     That encouraging words and a touch from dad, that's a really powerful motivator. And we often, as dads, fail to appreciate how important simple things like that are. It seems too simple and uncomplicated. Doesn't seem like a technological enough solution. But really, encouragement and a touch from dad can be so powerful in motivating our children for good.

105. 47:01

     So we talked about dads being singled out for frustrating a child. So the fact is, as fathers, we can have significant impact for either good or bad. So let's resolve to make our influence as fathers really positive and powerful because as fathers, we can take the lead and set the tone in our family if we choose to do that.

106. 47:23

     So when training in godliness, you know, don't fall into the trap of bribing. It's a corrupter of moral principles, it says in Exodus. You know, you're doing a backhand deal with your child. I want this and I'm prepared to give you that to get it. And, you know, you say, you ask them to help you with the shopping and if you're good, there might be something in it for you.

107. 47:45

     Well, aside from the moral issue, the other problem is that bribes always tend to escalate. So what starts out as a lolly for a two-year-old quickly becomes two. By the time they're four, it's a matchbox car. Once they're twelve, you're up to having to give them an iPod to clean their room. And the point is we're not after outward show or an appearance of good from our children.

108. 48:13

     You know, if we were, it's not a case where if we grease the palm, we'll get an outward show of compliance. That's not what we want. We're wanting to change their heart, not how they appear in public. So, you know, as parents, we do monitor the external behaviours as a gauge to what's going on within and we do train with external behaviour and modify the externals to reach within.

109. 48:41

     But their external behaviours, the process, not the end result. We want to change their heart. By bribing them, you've actually set up completely the wrong motivation before God for right behaviour. You're teaching your child to be a Pharisee. You know, do what I expect externally and then you'll get a reward. So we want them, again, to be motivated by a love of virtue and to love doing good, not motivated by loving money and cash rewards and lollies.

110. 49:12

     So we want their heart, God wants their heart. So let's not corrupt our children's heart while they're in their care. But on the other hand, in our care, sorry, but on the other hand, charts like a star or sticker chart are a really good way to start off a habit like chores. children's heart should get the child into the habit and not be the expectation.

111. 49:37

     And the other thing I mentioned, because I've mentioned bribes, I need to balance it out. When do you legitimately use a reward with your children so that it's not a bribe? And the answer is a reward is a really effective way to get your child to learn a skill. skill. So you show the reward, might be having like, you know, some toy or construction set, and you explain the goal that they have to reach to get that toy.

112. 50:10

     Like it might be having dry nappies, dry pants, sorry, to get them out of nappies. And then the responsibilities up to the child, you're going to help them to learn that skill to reach that reward. So it might be, you know, swimming the pool, practicing the piano, going up a grade on a report card.

113. 50:30

     They're all non-moral things and skills where legitimately you can put a reward out there and your child needs to put in the effort to get that reward. But you never use a reward for moral learning. If you use a reward in a moral situation, that's a bribe. So the other thing you can do in training our children is use our time at home to coach.

114. 50:57

     So, you know, you might think you can rearrange your house and keep everything out of the children's way, but when you go to visit someone's house, you can't turn other people's houses upside down. So the answer is to use your own home as the place that you train. So, okay, you don't keep, sorry, delicate things down at their level, people, but you know, you'll teach them not to touch daddy's books or the knobs on the stereo or the oven, for example, and then you're training children so that you can comfortably take them to other people's houses and they have the expectation.

115. 51:34

     And the other thing with training is you're also training their cognitive development and skills. So allow plenty of time for creative play outdoors. You know, it might actually mean some inconvenience like having some old bed sheets and bits of wood that hang around and make the place feel like it's a bit of a mess.

116. 51:51

     But this kind of free play is really crucial to a child's imagination and problem-solving abilities and creativity. So we either have to overlook a little bit of mess or have a well-defined place to keep it. That's all part of training. And we've found that it's really useful for children to have a quiet time at home where they learn to occupy ourselves quietly.

117. 52:14

     Lisa would even do this with other people's children. With really young children, it might be that they get put in a playpen for an hour. But with our older children, they'll just sit on the couch and read books for an hour while mum did the chores. So not only do you get things done and a bit of quiet and a break in the day, but, you know, things like when the children get to school or to the meeting, sitting still is not a foreign concept.

118. 52:41

     They've actually had that you've trained and they've had an opportunity to practice quiet time skills. And here's a really big tip. If you need a break from your own children, that's probably an indication that maybe you're not doing it right. And it probably sounds really blunt when I say it matter of fact like that.

119. 53:03

     But if your kids are really trying and difficult to be around, maybe there needs to be some changes and things need to change in order for other, what you want to do is actually have one of your goals that other people enjoy spending time with your children. So that's one of the reasons that we train our children at home so they're enjoyable for us to be around because they do as they're asked generally and other people can enjoy our children too.

120. 53:40

     But, you know, you're the parents, you make the rules and those rules don't all have to be negative. You know, it can be fun. Enjoy your children. For those at the back can't read, it says, Ryan, he's obviously coming home from school, these are your water balloons, I'm armed with a water gun and will shoot, catch me if you can, mum.

121. 54:05

     So, you know, I've heard it said about training and discipline that some people want their children to experience grace, hence they want to be seen as forgiving parents. But that's later on in the parenting process. For very young children who don't see things the same way as adults do, those parents just appear inconsistent.

122. 54:28

     Because, you think about it, you can't appreciate the grace of God until you actually understand the consequences that are due and the lengths that God's prepared to go to to cover your sins. And it's the same principle with our children. Unless you teach them the consequences of their actions, you can't then later on bring grace into their life in a meaningful way.

123. 54:53

     So we don't start off giving grace to our children. We get them to learn the consequences that are due and then when we bring in grace into their life when they're older, they actually appreciate what we're doing for them. So don't feel like you're being gracious to your young children by overlooking certain behaviours because to a heart that's not yet being trained, you're being soft and letting them get away with it.

124. 55:20

     You're letting them, you're teaching them to please themselves. And we want to teach our children to please God. And so in doing that, they start by first pleasing and obeying us and learning consequences and particularly make an effort to provide also positive consequences and encouragement. Look for things to praise, particularly specific behaviour.

125. 55:48

     If their personality is letting them down in an area, look for behaviour and positive things. Hard work, diligence, neat and tidy appearance that you can praise them on. Just as an aside, because kids who are told abstract things like, you know, you're so smart or you're so pretty, they can't identify what they literally did to obtain that praise and it actually makes, it's actually destructive.

126. 56:14

     But when you say, wow, you've worked so diligently to get that mark, they know, if I want to get that praise again, I need to work diligently again. So be really specific. Praise the effort and behaviour in your children. Again, it comes back to saying what you mean with our children. And that's what that discipling in the way that we've talked about today.

127. 56:37

     Being in tune with your children, not just zoning out when it's free time, but using every God-given opportunity as a moment to teach, whether we're doing the chores, whether we're doing enjoyable activities as a team. So we're also looking out for behaviours along the way while we rise up and lie down for behaviours that we want to work on in line with being fair and encouraging.

128. 57:03

     You know, what's a good trait that we want to encourage more of in this child? What's this child struggling with in their personality? And it does take a few weeks to break a habit, so we actually need to be really continuous and consistent on identifying that behaviour and giving consequences until the child gets out of that habit.

129. 57:24

     But remember, the child will come to whatever standard we set for them. It's up to us to provide that standard and be consistent in it. But, on the other hand too, I'm appealing to you we need to be fair and balanced with our training and we're not going to make our child's life a misery by picking up on every little thing, correcting them at every single step.

130. 57:44

     So you can't focus on everything at once. So, what you need to do with all your children, and there's a chart in your book for you to think about this, is what are you going to focus on as important in the behaviour and character of each of your individual children? What are their struggles and challenges at the moment?

131. 58:04

     But, you know, just think about it from this perspective. If you do that exercise and discuss it as parents, how much harmony and consistency is there in the life of that child if both parents are looking out for picking up the same behaviour in a different context? Because both parents have discussed it together, prayed about it to their heavenly father and decided, we're consistently working on that behaviour in that child.

132. 58:29

     And so, if you deal with it, and, you know, mum's picking up on it at home and dad's picking up on it when he sees it in a trip to the hardware or whatever he's doing with the child. And if you deal with it firmly and consistently with discipline when they're younger, then you should only ever have to come alongside and coach about it when they're older.

133. 58:53

     So, there's, like I said, page 40, there's a bit of a page there for you to encourage and discourage something in your children. So, we want them to be motivated by a love of good, not a fear of reproof. So, there's a resource on page 38 where if you're dealing with a negative, if you're seeing a negative behaviour in your child, there's the opposite, polar opposite positive that you can also, at the same time you're telling them not to do this, you can actually focus on the positive opposite where you encourage and provide opportunities and when you see them doing that, you praise them for doing the opposite virtue of the behavioural problem rather than continually just reproving all the time and not providing a balance of actually encouraging them with a touch from dad when they actually do the right thing.

134. 59:50

     So, every session we end with a challenge and today's session, the challenge is fairness. And what I want you to do is just think about your children in your own mind, what are they generally characterised by in their behaviour? you know, if they're characterised by, like, maybe they're characterised by playing well with others and so therefore if you see them, if in your mind when you think about your child's general characterisation, if they're characterised by playing well with others and you see them make a momentary lapse, you probably really don't have to come down too hard on them.

135. 1:00:39

     You know, if they're having a momentary lapse, maybe they were provoked. So, we want to be fair parents and deal with our children according to their characterisation, just as we would like others to forgive our occasional lapses. So, maybe we don't come down on them too hard. But if your child's not playing well with others and this is a behaviour that you've seen before and perhaps you've even spoken to them, well, then you need to deal with it firmly, decisively, repeatedly in order to change that pattern of behaviour.

136. 1:01:13

     But my real appeal to you as parents is to be fair with yourself. I mean, take a moment to check in your mind what are you generally characterised by. You know, we're all going to have moments that we're not proud of. But generally, what do the children see in your characterisation in example when they look at you?

137. 1:01:36

     So, yes, we come each Sunday because there are areas of improvement in our lives. But overall, our example is godliness and love. So, let's not beat ourselves up continually. The same way we want to be fair with the children, let's be fair with ourselves and our own characterisation and the occasional lapses are not what the children are really going to see our character as.

138. 1:02:01

     parents. And I mentioned before, parenting's a process. We don't get instant results. There will be slip-ups, but don't let yesterday's failures intrude on today. Be fair with ourselves and our children. Because we need to be parents like God who we see here in Lamentations. His mercies are new every morning. So, we want to make every day a fresh start with our children.

139. 1:02:26

     And what I'm appealing to you is that even though our calling to be a parent like God is really high and that we're not perfect in comparison to him, we shouldn't get down on ourselves for us. Because we're called to be mature in Matthew 5. Just like God who's fair and compassionate gives rain on the just and the unjust.

140. 1:02:52

     We're not yet complete. We're being made complete. So, we've been given a family as part of God's process to complete us and to help us see things from God's point of view and perspective. And so that we as individuals can be more like God and show his character. Because Philippians tells us that making us complete is the work of Christ.

141. 1:03:18

     So, in the AV, all the why of hollow these verses is to say, be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect. That's not what it's saying. It's saying that you just need to grow and mature. So, God doesn't expect perfect parents. God's begun a good work in us and through the families and spouses he's provided us, he's going to complete that work in his son.

142. 1:03:41

     So, let's thank him for these blessings and these opportunities he's given us and try to become more complete and more like him and the the the the the the the the the