Ben Pitcher - Class 2: Making Disciples of Out Children

Automatically transcribed. Accuracy is good but not perfect, and words are sometimes wrong. Trust the audio over the text.

1. 0:00

   Thanks and good morning everyone. Apologies for the lack of music, that's my fault. I've got a fair bit to get through today because as well as our first study, I need to sort of give you an overview of where you're headed so that you're with me for this morning. So just to keep things comfortable, can we just have that door propped and if someone can just keep, can you just keep an eye on that up the back there? Maybe that might just help us be comfortable because we've got a bit to get through.

2. 0:36

   So what I want to lay a foundation of where we're headed is that parenting is a process, right? So it's not a one-off task that's over and done within an instant. So this is the transition that we're trying to affect in our children where we start off as a parent on this end and we end up as a friend.

3. 1:03

   So during the week, I want you to think about your parenting goals. And here's an excellent one, to become your child's friend. But there's a couple of really easy ways to get the parenting process wrong. And one's to start out as a friend. You know, giving too many choices before they're able to deal with those choices morally.

4. 1:30

   Or in the same boats, the bribing and cajoling parent who doesn't want to expect too much of their children and doesn't want to upset them. So instead of using their authority, they try to influence a young child and tries to be their friend by manipulating and coercing the child. The trouble is, the child then learns, guess what, to be an excellent manipulator and coercer.

5. 2:01

   So the other way to get it wrong is to stay as a parent for far too long. And to be constantly controlling and disciplining our child when we should be coaching and encouraging them and giving them some freedom to fail. So there's a trajectory there where we've got to get it right. And it's different for every child and every personality.

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   But that's why you need to understand the principle and how to apply it. But to get it right, we're a parent first. So remember, we talked yesterday, we're like God to our child. And as they grow, they become our friend. Now, the best scriptural example of this is Abraham, who I briefly mentioned yesterday, where he was initially commanded to leave Ur, like you would command a young child.

7. 2:51

   And each time he followed that command of God, God revealed more and more of himself and his purpose, till in the end, Abraham was a friend of God. Scripture calls him that in James 2. Abraham's a friend of God. Yet to start with, God was like a parent to a young child giving a command.

8. 3:15

   So that's the same way that God works as a father. We need to parent his children. And look, yesterday we were challenged, weren't we? That marriage is being called to live out the example of Christ and his bride. And the massive task and challenge that parenting is called out to us to follow the example of our heavenly father.

9. 3:43

   And you're probably thinking, wow, that's a massive task. How can I live up to the expectation of being like God? And it is a massive task. No question about it. But God is always looking to stretch us and to develop our characters. And the thing I want you to realise is that God's able to do more than we ask or think.

10. 4:07

    And that's why he gives us this role and gives us families. But I just want to make you sure you understand two things so you don't freak out right at the outset how big a task this is. So can I reiterate, the principles we're learning together are true, but how they apply in your family is different to every other family.

11. 4:30

    Because every family is different. And really, really importantly, can I stress, God's purpose does not require perfect parents. Right? Even the parents that God chose for his only beloved son weren't perfect. If God needed perfect parents, he would have created them. He doesn't need perfect parents. He used human parents for his son.

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    So what does God require? Well, he requires committed and consistent parents. And you're all obviously committed parents because otherwise you wouldn't be here. But the thing we all struggle with in human nature is our consistency. And that's what I hope this week will be helpful with. Because together we can, from Scripture, highlight some areas that we, that personally you can think, well, maybe I need to focus on that to be consistent in, as a way to make our parenting seem big picture achievable.

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    And, you know, can I point out, there's no perfect family. Other than the family that our Heavenly Father is creating through the future work of his son. That's the only perfect family in Scripture, and it's still yet to be. The second thing I want to stress is that you're not doing this on your own.

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    Not only do you have your ecclesial family, and also perhaps you've got family support, but like I said yesterday, our children are God's heritage. He's intensely interested in them. So think about it like that. We're co-parents with God. And so always seek to involve God in your family life, in your parenting, and in your decision-making.

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    And so if you can make God real to your children, you'll be blessed with children that are responsive, as well as having a harmonious family. And so can I leave this with you before we get to today's topic? You know, the reason why I'm trying to give you a big picture is because all those years doing parenting courses, a thing we found true, and all the parents that we met and discussed with, was that parenting without a clear objective often feels a lot like firefighting.

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    You just, incidents pop up and you're just trying to put them out. And you're reacting to situations all the time. And so when you've got no real clear vision of where you're headed and what you're trying to achieve, it means that your reactions often are inconsistent, because they, you react to the incident largely dependent on your mood.

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    But we ourselves discovered, and all those that we've shared with, is that once you actually have a plan and an idea, and an understanding of the principles of parenting in God's Word, and because you know where you're headed, you know what things to react and pick up on, and what things just to leave be.

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    And, you know, both parents consistently reacting to the same things, in the same sort of ways, in fair and similar responses in different circumstances. really makes for the stress of family life to go way down. But, the first challenging thing about parenting is ourselves and our own consistency. You know, the most challenging thing I have discovered about parenting my children is that parenting is less about working on the children and more about guiding the children and working on myself and my example.

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    Because children will accept anything as normal. You know, like, even in horrible cases of extreme neglect, you know, children accept that family situation as normal and adapt to it. So, if you're going to establish family principles based on God's rules, your children won't have a problem with it. They'll just see that as normal because you've told them that's how it is.

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    They'll come to whatever standard we set for their behaviour. If we set a low standard, they'll achieve that. If we set a high standard, they'll come up to that too.

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    So, the problem is not our children. The problem is us as parents. It's our commitment, our consistency. And you see, it's human nature, isn't it? You know, if we demand that level of consistency and high standards of behaviour from our children, then we have to demand the same of ourselves. And, you know, human nature likes to have its own way.

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    So, often we might excuse behaviours in our children because often we like to get away with the same behaviour ourself. Or perhaps it takes too much effort to get up out of the comfy chair and keep picking them up on it. So, you know, like referring to yesterday, it's not about our rules.

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    It's not about our behaviours. It's about God's standards, God's rules that we want as the centre of our houses. And if God's the centre of our families, and if God's the centre of our ecclesial family, and if God's the centre of the coming kingdom, then all those places can merge and ourselves and our children can be active participants and have a part in all of those areas.

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    So, can I really encourage you to find the motivation to be like God to your children and to be committed and consistent parents. You don't have to be perfect. That's not what God needs. So, today I want to look at the disciplining side of the parenting process. So, we looked at our roles of being, of parents being like God and showing his character.

25. 10:36

    You know, especially yesterday, we talked about showing love and developing trust and being trustworthy. And we briefly mentioned yesterday our number one task as parents. And our number one priority as parents is to teach our children to obey. Because how will they ever obey God if they don't obey us first? And this commandment is so important that it's repeated multiple times in Scripture.

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    And, you know, the principle is not delayed obedience. So, you can see this is, you know, Christ, the obedience of the disciples to Christ. And it's not half done obedience. So, you've got to go beyond just the bare minimum and do what's excellent. And it's not unwilling obedience. So, it's doing everything without grumbling and complaining.

27. 11:31

    So, what we require is what God requires, which is obedience straight away, willingly and completely from our children. And, you know, the Ten Commandments, we can summarise them as loving God and loving others if you split them down the middle. But on closer inspection, the first four are about obeying God. And the fifth one is on the loving God half is about obeying parents.

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    And so, obedience to God and parents is equated here as well. And it's the first commandment with promise. So, effectively, teaching your children to obey is life because that's how they learn to obey God by obeying you. And can I also share this in relation to thinking about obedience being life and death because the salvation isn't always future.

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    And when I see news stories like this, it moves me to tears because we nearly had a child who didn't stop when we told them to and nearly ran out on the road. And for Lisa and I, that was a wake-up call that we weren't doing it right. You know, and just think, if your young child was to lose their hat or drop a favourite toy crossing the road and not realise that until you'd reach the other side, would they run back and get it or would they, could you count them on stopping when you commanded them to?

30. 13:04

    And if you're not sure they would stop, that's a sign you might have some training to do. So, first-time obedience should be a key defining aspect of our family. So, and I'm just saying don't accept any substitute. None of this one, two, three business. You know, that's not obedience, that's just a hesitant parent.

31. 13:28

    So, whatever you would have done as a consequence on three, just bring it back to one. And there's some tips on the slide, which, this is also in the handbook. And one thing, like I said yesterday, that we found most helpful is getting a response, a yes mum or a yes dad if you give an instruction.

32. 13:48

    Because then there's no denying that they didn't hear. And when they say yes mum, the responsibility's with them. And when they've taken responsibility to carry it out, they're also responsible for the consequences if they didn't do as they asked. Now, the topic today is discipline. It's a scary word to some people because of their own connotations to that word.

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    But it doesn't have to be scary to our children if we remember a couple of things. Firstly, think of discipline like instruction. That's the way it's described in Proverbs. So, bringing discipline to our child's life takes many forms. You know, if you think about it, even establishing a good sleep routine is discipline.

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    Our family routine is a discipline. meeting behaviour is a discipline. You know, controlling how much screen time our children have access to is a discipline. And also, the other thing is, literally, the word discipline means the process of making a disciple. Hence our title today. So, you're discipling your children so that they can be children of God and followers of his beloved son because we're training and discipling our children.

35. 15:07

    So, therefore, we need to be careful about developing a correct attitude, one of meekness, one of fruit of the spirit in the way that we and they respond. And, the important thing is, we eventually, remember that trajectory in parenting, we want them to have self-discipline. You know, we don't want all the discipline coming from us all their life.

36. 15:31

    So, you know, it's not about everything being self-centered and self-pleasing. There's a requirement for them to learn self-control and self-discipline in many areas of their life. So, just as an aside, there's a famous experiment that started as a simple test of self-control. It was this experiment where here's a marshmallow, you can, if you can leave it uneaten for 10 minutes, you can have a second one.

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    But, if you eat it now, that's all you're getting. And an unintended effect of that experiment was that years later, they found it was a significant predictor of the children who dropped out of education, dropped out of careers, gave up on marriage, were all the children that had no self-control and had trouble waiting 10 minutes to get a second marshmallow.

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    And you can Google the words marshmallow test, non-cognitive skills, and it's a really big topic in education if you want to find out more. But my point is that you can have a massive impact on the positive outcomes of your child's future just by teaching self-control. And to start with, that self-control has to be an external factor where you apply discipline in order for them to learn that.

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    So our first point that discipline is instruction and discipling, the second point about discipline is that we're not disciplining for our convenience, but God's. Because it's not all about having our children in military formation to make us look good. We're parenting to the higher calling of God as expressed in our reading in Hebrews 12.

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    You know, Hebrews 9, we had the earthly fathers who disciplined us, we respected them, how much more shall we be subject to the father of spirits and live? For they discipline the human parents for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good that we may share his holiness.

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    Now, it doesn't have to be like that. If we actually have got, if we parent like God from the outset in following God's pattern, we can actually follow that and not parent our children for our pleasure and make, actually parent for our children's profit right from the get-go in the same way that God parents us.

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    So, you know, putting God's holiness ahead of their momentary happiness is what I mean by not confusing a child's needs with a child's wants. So, in order to help them learn their place in the family, ecclesially and in society. So, every child is special but the world doesn't revolve around them. They need to learn their place in the family.

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    So, we want our children to be obedient for God's pleasure and we often tell them that, that, you know, God's happy and pleased when they do as they should. So, you know, can I just point out that our natural state, parenting after the flesh, is often a default reaction to our fathers after the flesh.

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    You know, if we think our parents were too strict or too harsh, we bring that baggage into our parenting or if we think our parents let us get away with too much, we might swing the other way. So, reacting to what we've experienced is parenting after the flesh, we've got an opportunity to put our natural reactions aside and listen to God as a parent and he'll show us what's true and right and the balanced way to parent.

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    And so, you know, we're not parenting based on how we feel because of our personal experiences. So, what we want to do is try to put our reactions aside, see everything as God as a father instructs us. So, can I just let you know something else at the outset that adults and children not only see things differently but they learn differently.

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    You see, you've got an abundance of grey matter so you need to be convinced that something's the correct thing to do and then you'll go and do it. Young children are developing cognition and so you can tell them what to do and direct them in an appropriate action and they'll actually then grow the neurons and the cognitions and pathways that go with it because they don't have a prefrontal cortex at a young age.

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    They're growing that and so you've actually got a way to develop the pathways in the right way. So, with that in mind, I'm going to treat you as adults and share with you an idea of where we're headed to help you see the logic and necessity of the discipline stage that we're going to come back to in a second.

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    So, if we're giving commands for the good of our children, sorry, just to make sure this is ready to go, yep, if we're giving commands for the good of our children, how do we get them to see that and that we're parenting for God and for their benefit. And so, one thing I really want you to take away from this week is that as our children get older, so that transition toward friendship, when we're at the training stage, which is really tomorrow's study, we should be characterised more and more by sharing the moral reasoning behind our requests.

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    So, remember we looked yesterday, the things that are in our heart, we need to, the things that guide us and are important to us, we in turn need to teach our children as part of everyday life. And this conscience and knowledge of right and wrong that's in our heart, we're developing also in our children and that, the conscience is a key tool that we can use in maintaining a moral refuge because we can create in our children a sense of right and wrong.

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    So, what does that, what does this look like that I'm talking about? So, here's a little example. Cannon, don't pull on that flower or mommy's going to have to spank your hand.

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    Good girl. go. Caitlin, don't pick the flowers, sweetheart. Do you know what? If you pick the flowers and all the other children pick the flowers, there won't get any flowers left for the rest of the people who are coming on their walks to enjoy. So, we'll leave the flower here for them. Okay?

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    Okay? So, sharing the moral reason why with our children not only develops their conscience on matters, but it helps them understand your rational reasoning of sharing what's in your heart to develop their heart and helps them see that you're trustworthy and worthy of honour. And so, in the same way, I encourage you to share the moral reason why with your older children once they've reached and learnt obedience, I want to share with you the big reason why we discipline, instruct and train our children.

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    Because we've got a God given tool that not only really defines the success or failure of our parenting, but it forms the key goal of parenting. And I mentioned about having your family goals, here's one common to all of us because we're told that the goal of our instruction is a good conscience.

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    You know, some people think that the goal of parenting is baptism of our children. That's not right because that has to be a goal of our child, that's their personal relationship with God through his son. However, the goal of love and conscience that's ours can actually directly influence that outcome if that's something we wish and desire for because we know that baptism is the answer of a good conscience.

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    So our goal as parents isn't baptism, it's heart training. So we want to develop in our children a responsiveness to God's word and instruction and a desire to do what's right and good. So our child's conscience, if we can develop and harness it, it can be the most effective tool in getting them to be responsible and biblically responsive.

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    Do you remember a time when you had almost a physical reaction to having done the wrong thing as a child because of your conscience? conscience? If you can think of a reaction like that, that's how strong conscience is, that's how good a tool that God's given you to work with and use in your children.

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    So our primary responsibility as parents is to develop our children's conscience, teach them right and wrong from God's principles so that their heart can become their finely tuned guide through life, just like we rely on ours. So that's where we're headed in the next couple of days. But coming back to obedience in young children, it doesn't have to be all negative training.

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    There's things that you can do that make obedience attractive. So you need to say what you mean and mean what you say makes training our children in obedience really work. So I'll give you a scenario of what I mean. It's nearly bedtime and you're not worried if the children take another 10 minutes to get to bed.

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    So, you know, don't say get to bed and then let them disobey you for 10 minutes because it's not important at the moment. Say what you mean. So if you don't mean to be obeyed, don't give a command. Say, would you like to go to bed now or you can have 10 minutes or, you know, because you've been so good I'm going to let you stay up for 10 minutes.

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    And so the alternative of saying something and not meaning it is that you're teaching your children not to value your word. And you're showing that you're not trustworthy. And then they think that they can often disregard what you say because often you don't mean it. And you're doing a disservice to God as his ambassadors to your children.

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    So mean what you say, say what you mean. If you don't need instant obedience, don't ask for it. But when you do demand it, ensure you get it. And don't fall in the trap of idle threat, saying things that are going to be a consequence that you've got no intention of following through with doing.

62. 27:05

    So consistency is important because being true to our word, like God, means that we can't chop and change expectations based on a mood or let our children get away with it sometimes. And so the real issue I'm highlighting here again is human nature. That's what you're working with in yourselves and your children at the same time.

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    So in order to be consistent with your children, we need to be consistent with ourselves. So if you say that's the last one and we're going, you need to make it the last one and go. Because the thing is, children will always try it on. But if you're consistent, that trying goes right down to a minimum.

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    But if in the child's experience they feel like they've got a 50-50 chance, children are innate gamblers, they'll always try to play that on. But if in their experience it's 100% not, they'll go with you every time compliantly. So let's not teach our children to be gamblers.

65. 28:18

    So let me give you another example to help you. Let's say every time you're at the supermarket with a young child you're having trouble. Now it's about understanding that's the problem with this child and setting aside a day where you've got room to deal with this behaviour. So this time when you start shopping, preferably in the dry food section, and when the behaviour starts, instead of a scene, you leave your trolley, go home, deal with it, return.

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    If they play up again, take them home. And demonstrate your resolve. You know, don't, when you get to the car and they say, I'll be good now, mummy, don't turn back, follow through with whatever consequence you said you would do. Then they won't question your resolve in future. So we'll get on to consequences next.

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    But my point about obedience is that you need to invest in your word. Follow through with what you say, because if you don't respect your own word and follow through, how can they ever respect it? And remember, we mentioned yesterday an example that our children do what you do more than what you say.

68. 29:31

    So if you don't respect your own word, neither will they. And I'm not saying be a Jephthah and follow through with the consequences, however unreasonable. I'm talking about reasonable, sensible consequences here, of course. So some tips to make obedience and compliance more attractive. You know, have a set routine so they know when you're asking for compliance.

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    So that's why giving clear instructions and asking for a yes mummy and a yes daddy, that's a trigger to them that hey, this is something that I need to obey to. When it's conversational, it's sort of optional.

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    Don't continually ask for things that are difficult to comply with. So the classic is you're getting tea on the table, the kids are outside playing and you want them all in now. You know, if they're knee deep in a game that they've invested lots of time in, there's no satisfying way for them to conclude all that energy and excitement and investment if you want them to drop, expect them to drop everything right now.

71. 30:34

    So it helps to give them a five minute warning. Tell them in five minutes I want you at the table with your hands washed and then they'll find some way to finish it. Tippy go or one more turn of the dice each and that's the winner. Whatever. But if you're characterised by making obedience and compliance attractive, then in the cases where you have to demand their instant obedience, they'll generally give it to you because they see you as fair and consistent.

72. 31:04

    And the five minute warning works really well for husbands because often they're single focus intent on something in their shed or study and can't switch off instantly either. So giving husbands a transitioning warning is really helpful too. But a trap we can fall into is thinking we're being nice if we say, would you like to pick up your toys?

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    I mean, we've just asked a question to which they can legitimately say no to. So if you mean to command, explicitly command. If you're giving an option, give an option. Don't confuse the two with our children. The other part of obedience is its consequences. Pain is the body's teacher. It's a natural warning that change has to occur.

74. 31:53

    So if you stub your toe, you learn to be careful where you put your feet in order to not hurt your toes or potentially lose one. And all disobedience doesn't have to be accompanied by physical pain. Not saying that, but there needs to be a consequence. And that pain to the child could be time out or some form of punishment.

75. 32:18

    But, you know, there are times when physical discomfort is needed for the child's good. So for an example, we lived in the Riverland where everyone had a wood fire for a while and we could build a big barricade around our fire. But because of their dangers of them getting around it or when we're in someone else's house, we can't rearrange their fireplace out of reach.

76. 32:41

    We taught our toddler son the fire was hot. So what we did is we held his hand out toward the fire until it felt uncomfortable and then we held it there for a moment or two longer. And we did this a couple of times and told him that it was hot and would burn and that he was never to go on the tiled area in front of the fireplace.

77. 33:05

    You know what that worked? Because of that discomfort, the fire was never touched even when it was off and cold. And so our child never suffered an injury. And what's more, he took upon it himself to like his little toddler sister. He was a very good brother to make sure that she never touched it either.

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    So in regard to logical consequences, you know, it helps your children if they're somehow related to what it is that they've done wrong. Otherwise it seems like this random punishment from nowhere. So, you know, if the offence is throwing food and your consequence is removing a toy, they don't really relate in the mind of a child.

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    You know, if they were snatching a toy and then removing that toy relates to the issue at hand and makes sense to a child and reinforces the consequence rather than saying vague and arbitrary. So, you know, if a child's told to stay on the driveway and then they ride their bike into the street, you know, they lose the bike for 24 hours.

80. 34:09

    If you've worn them before, maybe this time they lose it for a week. So try to relate the consequences to what's going on. And discipline and training is really all about consequences. But if natural consequences happen, just use those and teach them. We don't have to go and apply another consequence. So if you say don't run in the wet and they slip and fall over and skin their knee or get wet and uncomfortable, there's no need to add an additional consequence.

81. 34:40

    We can comfort them and teach them the natural consequence was a result of them not following your instruction. And, you know, if they do well, there's consequences to that as well. So don't make all the consequences in their life negative. So concentrate on giving encouragement and positive reinforcement when our children do do the right thing.

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    And natural consequences is probably one area of discipline that continually applies in larger and larger amounts as children grow older. When they give them the freedom to fail and they've got to feel the consequence of their choices. So the consequences more and more become related to the things that they're responsible for. You know, getting their own lunch or being personally organised make them responsible for it and they feel the consequence if they fail to do so.

83. 35:32

    So what is the guidelines for bringing chastisement into the discipline process? So, you know, as parents probably all know this quote, Proverbs 22. But we often focus on the wrong thing in this verse. You know, we all focus, foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but the rod of correction will drive it far from him.

84. 35:56

    And we all think, oh, the rod. That's actually not the subject of the verse. The subject of the verse is foolishness. This verse is talking about foolishness. So we need to understand what is foolishness. And Proverbs tells us that foolishness, as well as our Lord's parable about the wise man on the rock, foolishness is disobedience to an instruction.

85. 36:23

    That's what foolishness is. So let me give you a scenario. Nothing's been said to your children about rules and friends are over and the children are playing hide and seek. And one child comes running inside the house to find a good place to hide and knocks over a treasured lamp.

86. 36:44

    What do we do? You know, our natural reaction is to fly off the handle because that was an heirloom from our wife's family and has lots of sentimental value. But stop and think for a minute. What are we punishing?

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    Clumsiness? You know, there is a principle of respect, so, you know, being sorry and asking for forgiveness and maybe some restitution for the property. But there's been no transgression here, has there?

88. 37:18

    So continuing on, we tell the children not to come inside and hide because they're too excited and things will get knocked over and they need to keep playing outside. Thirty minutes later, their sibling comes running in to hide behind the curtain. That's foolishness. Deliberate disobedience to an instruction. So the first child was childish.

89. 37:42

    There's no punishment for that. And with wisdom and knowledge, they'll hopefully go out of that. But, you know, even as adults, we make mistakes from time to time. But the child that disobeyed, that's no longer childishness. That's foolishness. And foolishness needs considered correction. So we can't fly off the handle at childishness. And notice where foolishness is.

90. 38:09

    Remember our parenting goal? We're trying to train a child's heart here. That's the aim of what we're trying to do in parenting. So here's God as a father in our reading in Hebrews 12, that the Lord disciplines the ones he loves and he punishes every child he accepts. So let's not be scared of discipline.

91. 38:28

    You know, there is a time and a place where physical consequence can be cleansing for a child's conscience. You know, the issues resolve. Justice has been done. We can move on. Some parents work with conflict avoidance all the time. But God doesn't work around our dispositions. You know, we experience conflict when we go against God's will.

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    And so we need to assist our children with conflict resolution, not conflict avoidance. So discipline starts when they're in nappies and they learn the meaning of the word no. And it, it, but it actually creates secure and firm boundaries in the mind of a child. And you know, you're getting through because often as toddlers, they realize that that word has immense power and they'll use it back at you.

93. 39:23

    Paul says most parents in the world discipline for their pleasure, for their will to be obeyed. But God disciplines for his holiness. So if we're disciplining and training our children in the same way God does towards us, then we're training our children in God's character to reveal God's glory. So remember, we're God to our children and God's given us these children with their particular genetic makeup and their personalities.

94. 39:51

    That's really the product of the two parents. So, you know, often we need to discuss a little with each other because there's a little bit of each of our family trees to a greater or lesser degree in this child. So we are best placed to work out how to deal with their personalities and how to apply the principles of God in our children and our families.

95. 40:13

    That's why I'm not here to tell you exactly how you apply these principles directly. So, you know, there are children who openly rebel. And you know what, that's a good thing because you know exactly where you stand. There's other children that if you tell them to stay inside, they'll actually stand in the doorway with their toes over the line.

96. 40:39

    So it may not look like the open rebellion of this child. It may look like a mistake. Oh, they don't know their toes are over the line. But in the mind of that child, they're doing the evil mad scientist laugh because they've still got their feet on the floor when you've told them not to.

97. 40:54

    So, you know, you need to deal with that as open in that child as you would open rebellion in another with the same weight. Because in the child's mind, the thought of rebellion is the same. Just the outward result is different. So your best place to understand your children and work with them.

98. 41:14

    And, you know, if we were disciplining for our pleasure, the child that looks to be complying and their toes are over the line, you know, we just move on because that's okay. But because we know their personality, we'll deal with it because we're trying to do a work for God and reach their heart.

99. 41:32

    And they're God's heritage that he's entrusted to us to parent for him. You know, you can think of it as the same way that he entrusted his son Jesus to Mary and Joseph. And the reality is that's how important it is to God. He wants to be manifested in a godly seed. He even calls himself that in his name.

100. 41:54

     So, you know, distraction is a useful technique for babies and toddlers. But with older children, we actually do need to point out the wrong behaviour and bring consequences into the life of a child if the behaviour continues. So, appropriate usage of consequence considers, these are all in the book when they come, your state of mind.

101. 42:20

     So, you know, don't chastise when you're angry. In fact, I'll say it plainly, anger has no place in parenting. It only teaches children to fear you. It doesn't teach them to fear God. So, we should always apply a measured discipline, not a reaction. So, sometimes we actually need a time out for parent and child when an incident happens before we deal with it.

102. 42:47

     The second thing we need to think about is the age of the child and what can be reasonably expected of them. And then the third thing when something happens is we need to look at the seriousness of what's happened, the seriousness of the offence. So, you know, you may choose to discipline with a time out and a warning, a warning, a time out and then go to discipline normally with physical discipline normally if they do something wrong.

103. 43:19

     But if your child picks up a bat and swings it as another child, you might go straight to physical discipline straight away because of the seriousness of it. The next thing you might need to think about is the characterisation of your child.

104. 43:35

     You know, we need to... And so what I'm talking about is, you know, in the same way that God's merciful to us, think about is this behaviour out of ordinary for this child or have I been seeing this regularly? And if you've been seeing it regularly, adjust the consequences accordingly. And we need to take into account our children's disposition.

105. 44:02

     So personality and character, you need to be sensitive to your children and not treat them all the same. Even in the same family, you won't have the same consequences. Because, you know, there's some children that fall to pieces with just a harsh word. And so, you know, physical discipline would be a travesty to that child's make-up.

106. 44:24

     It would really destroy them. Whereas there's some children that it just doesn't get through their ears and so you need to draw attention to it more openly that they're going astray. So that's where you need to make an assessment that, you know, physical discipline is, if it's required, is always used appropriately. It's not a tool of last resort that you bring in every time.

107. 44:55

     And it's not appropriate for overly sensitive children. And whatever child you've got, there should be no physical discipline after about age 10. So that verse in the Proverbs about using a rod is for a young child. And I'll just say a couple of things about physical discipline, if that's a consequence you think you need to use, it's a private family thing.

108. 45:21

     No one else can do this to your child. So, you know, you take your child to the room and you apply your hand to their behind, never around their head. And then the issue between the two of you is gone. It's dealt with. So, you know, what people generally understand as smacking is where you keep telling them off the frustration level simmer and grow.

109. 45:50

     They keep doing the same thing over and over again. You become more strident until finally you lash out. But that's not dealing with it properly. Because in that case, the resentment lingers long after. Because you actually haven't reacted appropriately to the situation and allowed it to upset you. So, importantly, whatever you do for disciplining your child, time out, or physical chastisement, remember to restore the child.

110. 46:34

     And welcome them back in and make them feel that everything's forgiven and we move on. You know, feel free to hold your child. If they're an older child, saying a prayer with them for God's help is enormously powerful and helpful. But, you know, the thing I'll tell you is if you're consistent parents, physical discipline will be rarely, if ever, used.

111. 46:57

     Only to demonstrate your resolve initially. And once children know that that was on the table and that you're serious, you rarely have to rely on it ever again. And our children will trust our word because we've demonstrated we mean what we say and say what we mean. It's just another option in our toolkit.

112. 47:16

     It's not our threat or go-to response all the time. So, with discipline, you know, important thing with families is both parents need to be on the same page. So, it's helpful if you can discuss and agree on a framework together. So, this is in your notes. So, and just by the by, it covers about six weeks of parenting courses.

113. 47:39

     So, I'm not going to go through it in detail. It's just an example. There is actually a very simple example in your notes that I found on the internet of an if-then chart. If a child does this, this is the consequence. But the thing I want you to note about this is that the behaviour path.

114. 47:56

     So, see down the bottom? Well, there's instruction. There's behaviour. And the behaviour splits into correction and encouragement. There's two paths to discipline. So, there's all your discipline is not correcting. And encouraging your children when they've done the right thing is discipline as well. And discipling. And remember, you can only punish foolishness. So, see who gets the correction?

115. 48:23

     There's a split between childishness and foolishness. You need to make that assessment. Have I given an instruction here? And if you have, if there's things that you've instructed in and you've got laid out consequences, then for the family, things are really consistent. And whatever consequences we bring into the life of our child, they have to fit the crime.

116. 48:45

     And consequences will be different for every child. So, for example, you know, taking a book away. For some kids, that's a terrible punishment. For some children, you've done them a really great favour getting that book out of their hands. You know, how much computer screen time and playing games we found was a really good general consequence.

117. 49:10

     Cleaning the toilet when they're a little bit older is another really good all-round consequence. You know, as well as using time out as a consequence, when your child's old enough to read, give them a time out card. This is also in the book, if you want an example. So that the time away is not just a punishment, but it's actually an opportunity for them to reflect on their behaviour and how it's affected others and resolve to do better themselves.

118. 49:35

     And so here, you know, you can do a prayer afterwards for whatever it is, patience or kindness that they need help with. So, just remember, you can't give a consequence if you haven't made the moral code clear to your child first. So you can't punish for a command you haven't clearly given. And so whatever the system or strategy you use, the goal is always to provide a measured, rational response to every incident.

119. 50:05

     You know, you don't want to be irrational, allow frustration to build up, and then finally react by overreacting. And then in the child's mind, the punishment in no way fit the crime. So we want to be characterised as consistent parents, just as God is consistent and does not act irrationally toward us. Remember, he's patient toward the third and fourth generation.

120. 50:31

     So, as time goes on, our children will be, if we are consistent, they'll be less likely to try stuff on because there's a consequence to every behaviour that you've outlined. If it's good behaviour, it's encouraged. If it's wrong behaviour, it has some consequence. Even if it's just a reprimand for that incident, it's still a consequence.

121. 50:58

     And, you know, if they do it four times in an hour, each incident is a separate incident. But by the fourth time, you've got to remember the characterisation. If, you know, the child is characterised by this wrong behaviour today, so therefore the fourth time gets dealt with at a different level to the first infraction.

122. 51:21

     But they should all have been dealt with appropriately, and you're responding to the fourth occasion appropriately, not snapping and finally responding to all four occasions at once. And that's where rest time each day can become really important. Even if it's not asleep for the older child, there can be a break and a fresh start for everyone during the day.

123. 51:45

     And so when it comes to correction, be really mindful that our children have sensitivities. We don't want to crush and humiliate our children in correcting them, especially if they're with their friends. So always take them to one side if they need talking to or dealing with. So we've looked at the discipline, the discipling part of the parenting process.

124. 52:09

     We've seen where we're headed for the week, that our goal is the development of our child's heart and conscience. And we've seen that we need to instruct our children with consequences. And that we as parents need to be seen as trustworthy like God. So we don't make idle threats. Instead, we say what we mean and mean what we say.

125. 52:36

     And then we bring consequences into the life of children for their good, not for our convenience. And we saw that our primary responsibility is to teach our children to obey. And I mentioned Abraham as a scriptural example of the entire parenting process where he became the friend of God. But it goes further than that.

126. 53:01

     Not just because of the obvious link to our hope in the promises to Abraham, in whom all faithful families are blessed. Because there is a blessing open to our families if we follow Abraham's example. That's a given. But what I want to highlight is, have you ever thought of why God picked Abraham from her and not some other bloke?

127. 53:36

     You know, we're told why God specifically picked Abraham for these promises. Genesis 18. For I know him, talking of Abraham, that he will command his children and his household after him and that they will keep the way of the Lord. That's why he's the friend of God. Because he had the character trait already of obedience.

128. 54:04

     And God knew that he would train his children in the same character trait. And that's why he chose him to be the foundation of the hope of the promises for all families. So, do we want to be God's friend?

129. 54:21

     Then teach his children obedience. And so share in the promises to all obedient families. So, here's a bit of a summary about what we've looked at.

130. 54:41

     Obedient children are almost an endangered species in today's society. It doesn't need to be that way in your family. We've found that obedience training is usually more of a challenge for parents and that children will rise to whatever level is expected of them. Here are a few principles which will help with obedience training in your family.

131. 55:01

     We ask our kids to do something. We expect them to obey straight away. Completely. Without. Okay. Straight away. If your child was walking towards danger and you called out, Stop! Would they do it then? Or when they felt like it? One day, this type of training may even save your child's life. To obey completely doesn't mean that when you ask your kids to tidy bedroom, they just shove everything under the bed and go, It's all done, Mum.

132. 55:31

     A job half done just doesn't cut it. We're training to a higher standard. Without complaining. Attitude is so important. Reminds me of a two and a half year old we heard of. That was standing in his height yet. His mum turned around and called out, Sit down or you'll fall out. After a bit of a power struggle, he crossed his arms, sat down and came out with, I'm standing up on the inside.

133. 55:54

     I'm sorry. Obedience is not just about actions, it's about what's going on on the inside. So remember, Obedience is straight away, completely, without complaining. All right, come on, keep it straight away, we need to get going. We'll be back in the room, I'm sitting. Well, be quick. No, come on, we really need to go now, it really is going to rain.

134. 56:21

     I mean it, come on, let's go. Guys, come on, I'm serious, quickly, please. Hey guys, I'm going to count to three. One, two, two and a half, I'm doing three quarters. Right, that's it, I'm leaving, I'm going, I'm walking away, you don't know the way, I mean you'll get lost. No, come on guys, I really mean it, you're going to catch a death of the cold out here if you stay any longer.

135. 56:50

     Quickly, please, come on. Look, I'll buy you more of an ice cream if you come straight away. Good kid. I think most of us parents can relate to that scenario. Unfortunately, those techniques only reinforce disobedience. Repeating teaches a child that you didn't mean what you said the first time. Threatening doesn't work well either.

136. 57:16

     Children are gamblers by nature and if there's the slightest chance you don't mean your threat, they'll go for it. Driving teaches a child that disobedience could be rewarded with a treat. The goal is to be consistent. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Here are some communication skills which will help the obedience training in your family.

137. 57:37

     First, require eye-to-eye contact. This is a focusing skill which will help the child process your instruction. Second, require a verbal response. Yes dad, yes mum. When the child hears themselves say the words, it helps them commit to following your instructions. And thirdly, in Colossians 3.21 parents are reminded not to exasperate their children.

138. 58:02

     We use a five minute warning which is a great way of helping the child have time to disengage from the current activity and prepare to follow your instructions. As Christian parents, there's an even bigger reason for us expecting obedience in our children. Obeying parents is preparation for a lifetime of obedience to the Lord.

139. 58:22

     How much easier will it be for your children to obey God the first time if first time obedience is already the standard in your family? So, to teach, so hopefully the scenery was more familiar than the studies of behaviour there. So, to teach obedience we can use our God-given authority for compliance and we want to value our word to our children.

140. 58:55

     So, each study finishes with a personal challenge and our personal challenge today I guess there's no surprise that I see the challenge of discipline is consistency. We're called to be like God who's consistent and doesn't vary or waver we're told in James. And so, whilst parenting as it's worked out is different for every family and every child based on their personality and age there are some things that are consistently the same.

141. 59:24

     That's God. God doesn't change. His word, the Bible needs to be front and centre in our homes as does prayer and there needs to be godly values that you stand for as a family. Kindness, helpfulness, obedience, honesty, thinking of others. That's what needs to be the same in every family. And not only should we be a consistent and trustworthy example of God's character but we also need to be consistent in our instruction and training and our responses to our children.

142. 1:00:01

     And we should consistently demonstrate, like I said yesterday, that we have one life in Christ. We don't have different principles of behaviour for when we're at work or when we're home, when we're at the meeting or when we're online or when we're tired and grumpy. That's the challenge is to show that we've got one life in Christ and we need to model that to our children.

143. 1:00:24

     And the consistency of our discipline can create predictability. It can create accountability in our children. It creates structure in our family and it creates peace. Peace in our families. The peaceable fruit of righteousness we read this morning in Hebrews 12 that comes from training and discipline. And the fruit that's produced is not just in our children because as examples we have to model the behaviours that we wish to see in them.

144. 1:00:59

     And someone tweeted this the other day. Parents can't teach kids what they themselves don't know nor lead them where they cannot go. Kids force parents to grow. And that's the divine purpose of families. That together parents and children grow and develop and form stronger relationships with their heavenly father and influence each other for good.

145. 1:01:28

     That all families that have obedience as part of their family identity will be part of Abraham's family as well but forever. Amen.